let's do the timewarp.

I feel like I'm failing. Every day in some little way. A failure here, a failure there. A step in the right direction, then I trip and fail.

My goal (losing 20 pounds in 2 months) isn't unreasonable. It's well defined, it's totally attainable, there is a deadline and milestone incentives, but it defeats me every day. Step on the scale, no weight lost: defeat; having three chocolates after dinner instead of one: defeat; being too tired to even stay awake through dinner, let alone being able to consider a regularly scheduled run: defeat.

It's bleeding into other aspects of my life. I didn't have time to vacuum the carpets like I intended to and I fell down a shame spiral of uselessness. Same happened when I saw the pile of clothes on the floor of my bedroom, and the still unpacked bag of toiletries sitting in the bathroom (yes, I've been home for a week and I can't find the motivation to finish unpacking). I can't remember the last time I did dishes (it's been MONTHS) and the guilt at realizing that my super kind and patient boyfriend has had to pick up the slack gives me a heartache that's damn near crippling.

I sent him a mid-day text with tears in my eyes:

I've been sloppy lately. I promise I'll be better.

He pretends not to notice the state of my disrepair and told me it's okay and he understands. Barely two weeks into the new year and I'm already struggling to catch my breath, desperate for the time during the week to fly by so that I can get to living on the weekends. How sad is that though? I can't simply put everything on hold Monday through Friday and expect those around me to duck and cover when Hurricane Trainwreck has a bad day.

And the truth is, they're not all bad days.

Today Google lied to me and said the temperature was 13 degrees (it was actually 28) so I took that information and decided to opt out of a run. I wasn't really interested in running anyway so it was a nice excuse to spend an hour doing Pilates. I had some spare time to tend to other things after my ab crunching hour and I managed to tackle taking down our Christmas decorations, separating my dirty clothes from the clean ones (they're still piled on the floor, though; this time in TWO piles), and taking out the trash. It wasn't much, but it was enough of an unload to my mental burden that I'm feeling much more relaxed.

The scale didn't change today, but my attitude did.

My goal for this week, in addition to better eating and consistent exercise, is to tackle at least one small project once a day. An example of what's on my agenda:

• Tackle my closet! which includes hanging/folding ALL the clothes and weeding out the things that are too big/ weather inappropriate.
• Buying a new belt for my vacuum cleaner... and vacuuming the carpets. And since this requires a trip to the store, take all the Coke cans out for recycling.
• Do something with that awful mess of craft supplies spilling out from under my desk.
• List my old textbooks online to sell.
• Clean my desk and arrange my backpack (classes start next Tuesday!)
• Call insurance people to change my plan, call Benefits lady to tell her the strategy, call physicians to reschedule appointments.

It feels phenomenal being able to scratch things off checklists, so the length of this list tells me I'll have lots of good feelings coming my way once I buck up and tackle this shit.

Onwards.

food -
        brunch: tortilla, 1/2 avocado, 5 grape tomatoes (halved), sliced deli turkey, lime, salt, pepper.
        dinner: same as above.
        snacks: red delicious apple

exercise: 1 hour of Pilates for Weight Loss with Suzanne Deacon.