make the most of the night.

Somethinggggg very strange happened this afternoon at the gym.

Firstly, I wanted to quit.

I never want to quit. I can almost always talk myself through a bad patch, I tell myself it's temporary, it's worth it, and I think of some image to bring me through whatever obstacle I'm facing. I've conquered many literal hills with this mentality. But today, I could think of nothing but quitting.

I planned how I wanted to quit. I was on the treadmill running at a faster than usual pace, I thought of grabbing the rails, lifting my body and spreading my feet apart to catch the platform and rest. I would give it a minute, turn down the speed, and then resume walking. Maybe even jogging at a slower pace.

I thought it out start to finish. I considered how good it would feel to give my lungs and heart a rest, to allow my legs to float weightless for a moment before I placed the weight of my body on them again. I could almost feel the relief of quitting.

And then Jillian Michaels happened.

I thought of all the contestants on The Biggest Loser and I thought of myself, I thought about how badly I miss the feeling of losing. Clearly I don't miss it bad enough because my months of running and toiling away at the gym have done little to reduce my waistline. [Side note: it's not about how I look or the size of my pants; I have a real medical condition, I see specialists, I take meds, I am sick. This is not okay.] I thought of all the episodes I've watched thinking to myself, "I can do that."

It's true. I CAN DO THAT.

I was dying on the treadmill, but then I remembered Jillian saying, "You're not dying."

I repeated that over and over in my head, practically yelling it inside my scull hoping to drown out all the other thoughts that were keeping me from achieving succes.

I'M NOT DYING. I'M NOT DYING.

It was rough, it was awful. But I finished. I finished it exactly like I had planned to finish. I was sweaty, I was tired, I thought for a second that I might pass out, but I collected my shit and I kept going for round 2 in the weights area.

It was there that phenomenon #2 happened:

My midsection is changing.

Bad laundry planning left me with none of my favorite gym clothes, and a bad experience with a cotton tank (eeewww under-boob sweat) the other day forced me to wear a dri-fit shirt that's usually too small. I put it on without looking in the mirror because I didn't want to have the image of my fat spilling out from my top to ruin my workout, but I had to face my reflection in the weights section against the wall of floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

And it wasn't bad. In fact, it was good.

non-scale victory for the win.