i need you to stay.

It should come as no surprise that today's banner picture is that of a cake. We're celebrating, duh.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I actually started the celebrations last night.

Cookies and cream cappuccino... you have got to be kidding me.

I was feeling pretty blahhh after work yesterday and I knew I was WAYYY under my calorie consumption for the day (gazpacho is delicious, but it's not packing much in the calorie department) so I decided to augment my intake with a caffeinated confection. I was thinking along the lines of chocolate milk, but when I saw the cookies and cream cappuccino I just HAD TO try it. Consider it research for our upcoming road trip this week, I'm facing an 11 hour drive and I will need to abuse caffeine.

Flash forward to twelve hours later: I'm standing on the scale with the numbers 222.0 reading on the digital screen between my toes. I didn't believe it so I walked away and weighed myself a few minutes later. A second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth turn on the scale read exactly the same thing.

222.0

I had always thought that the big numbers would bring scenes filled with jumping and tears and celebration. I was certain that 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 70 pounds would be significant... that it would wake something up inside of me, an inner rock star just dying to dance around the room from the joy of accomplishment.

I have yet to experience such a moment.

Maybe it's because every half pound is a celebration. In that case, I've repeated this scene 140 times before. One hundred and forty half-pounds of celebration happening silently within the confines of my own mind.

I thought I would feel relief reaching 70 pounds because it would signify that that my journey is almost over. Even with the thought of another 50 pound journey ahead of me, I don't feel burdened but I also don't feel relieved. If there's any relief at all it's in knowing that my exercise routine and eating habits are still good enough for my body to whittle away at itself without crashing my metabolism to a halt.

Weighing 220 pounds has always been a huge goal for myself and I'd like to take this opportunity (two pounds out) to assess where I am.

In 2005, at 220 pounds I was 19 years old and recently introduced to Pilates. I was at my fittest after a year of the freshman fifteen twenty. I had a boyfriend who pushed me between feelings of insane sexiness and utter depression. My pants size was 16/18, my legs riddled with cellulite, and I was constantly worrying about the way my stomach protruded from above the waistband of my panties. I felt good, but not consistently so. It was a constant battle that ended with an unusual dependence on makeup, mistaking concealer for confidence.

Now in 2012, I'm a prouder, confident 25 year old, thrilled to see 222 on the scale. Beyond a doubt, I am my fittest ever. Sometimes it scares me when I graze parts of my body and find things I've never experienced before, things like razor sharp hip bones and rock hard muscles. The muscle definition on my legs is insane, and I have to go out of my way to find cellulite (bits here and there under my bum). Even my feet are pulsing with rippling muscle. My biggest concern when I walk out of my apartment every day is if my pants are too baggy or if my shirts are falling off. My pants size is 14/16, shirts M/L. I don't remember the last time I wore makeup and I honestly don't care.

I have two minor goals for the time being. I'm coming up on an extended vacation and I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it, so for now I'm going to put weight loss on the back burner.

Goal #1: Lose 2 pounds before leaving for vacation (4 days).
Goal #2: Maintain weight on vacation.

For reals though, this should be a celebration. We're having a celebration breakfast at my place; on the menu: toasted whole wheat bread, one poached egg, one piece of pan grilled turkey, one large beefsteak tomato sliced and seasoned with lemon, salt, and pepper. Also on the itinerary: clothes shopping! I wouldn't be me if I didn't celebrate a large weight loss goal with some new clothes. I have shrunk out of all my jeans except for my newest pair of skinny jeans, so it's pretty obvious that I'll be shopping for pants. In sizes 12 and 14.

Oh, it felt so good to type that.