i'll never talk to you again.

Food.

During our vacation, we fought three very impossible things on our food journey:

• Habit.
• Laziness.
• His mom.

I mean absolutely no disrespect, but moms are pretty much the worst thing to happen to a diet. Ever. No exceptions. At all. In any way. Ever.

Never.

Habit.

We've spent our lifetimes as fat people. Yes, I used the F word. Twenty-five and twenty-eight respective years of self-indulgence and gross neglect of our bodies, save for a fraction of the last year. That kind of lifetime conditioning is extremely difficult to overcome, and extremely easy to slip back into after a hiatus (read: during vacations).

Oh, but those potatoes look so good. Sure, I'll have some more. Oh, but there's just a little bit left. Of course I'll finish it. We came all the way out here, I HAVE TO eat it. All too many times we jokingly said "we're on vacation... the calories don't count." All too many times did we behave as if that were true. Sitting at a baseball game, stuffed from dinner, getting whiffs of fresh kettle corn having to restrain oneself from joining the growing line of people waiting to buy their share. But we're on vacationnnn, she says, salivating at the mere thought of sugar sweet 'n crunchy popcorn.

A year ago, I would have bought that kettle corn. A year ago, I DID buy that kettle corn. The difference between now and then is being able to tell myself "no" without feeling as if it's a punishment. It's not, and never should be. If it doesn't fall under the categories of "needed it" or "earned it" then I shouldn't have it. Simple. If I'm legitimately hungry, I will feed myself. Or, if it was an item on my must-have list that I planned in advance and I worked hard to deserve it, then I will feed myself. Everything else is just a temptation meant to distract me from my goal, and I am better than that. Harsh realities.

Laziness

This... ugh.

There's last night's deep friend leftovers in the fridge, or you can put together a proper breakfast of yogurt and fruit. But the yogurt is downstairs the fruit has to be rinsed, peeled, and chopped.

Or.

You can put together a salad, going through the process of selecting, cleaning, slicing, and mixing veggies, or you can go down to the street to your favorite sandwich place that will have your order ready before your debit card transaction has been cleared.

Which do you choose? LAZY.

An open letter to moms everywhere (including my momma):

Dear mom,

Thanks for being a super sweet lady and devoting your life to raising me. You did an awesome job of making sure I had everything I needed without my having to lift a finger. Unfortunately, your doting has left me obese and lazy. I think it's wonderful how you pan fry that in butter, I understand that it makes it juicy and delicious, but that piece of shrimp has 300 calories and you just loaded twenty pieces on my plate.

And then told me to eat more.

And then got offended when I said I was full.

And then when I said, "ugh, I should go for a run," you discouraged me by saying "Oh honey, you've been out all day. Why don't you sit and watch some TV?"

How very sweet you are to be taking care of me like that.

Yours forever,
Fat and lazy.

Another letter, to anyone who will ever in the future play host to a former-fatty, here are some things to consider:

Dear gracious host,

I'd like to thank you for your kind hospitality. Let's get some things out of the way before your inability to relate to my situation ruins a perfectly good relationship.

• First and foremost, please don't go out of your way to uproot your life to accommodate my lifestyle. If you're cooking for me, please cook as you would normally. I will eat your food willingly, making on-the-spot decisions about things like portion sizes and which courses to partake in. It's not your burden to bear.
• Do not, under any circumstances, load up on low-fat and fat-free stuff thinking that you're doing me a favor. You're not. It's rude and condescending, plus you're a jagoff for buying into the hype of these products. Low-fat cheese is an abomination and should not even be considered food. Cheese is a FAT, and removing said fat would render it a barely edible food product that even rats wouldn't eat.
• Lay off on the comments like, "should you eat that?" and "you haven't eaten enough." Fat people on diets are adults, too, and we can make our own decisions on what, when, and how much to eat. So fuck off, please. 'N thank you.
• If you care to register an opinion on such topics as diet and weight loss, please direct that towards your local newspaper. Or better yet, your living room drapes. This applies especially if you're one of those life-long skinny folks, because you have no idea what it's like. And probably equally as much if you are a reformed fatty, because having been there, you should know better.
• If you extend an invitation to your guests to join you on any kind of physical activity, please be patient and prepare for disaster. And don't be offended if your guests decline in favor of engaging in their own activities.
• Desserts are mean and unfair, so don't even think about it. Just don't.

To my kind, accommodating, considerate future hosts, taking a weight loss show on the road is confusing, difficult, and complicated. This personal struggle is something I'd like to keep to myself and I deeply regret having to impose any restrictions on the way you live your life while I am your guest, but I would appreciate your patience and understanding in the matter. For the sake of our continued friendship.

Yours gratefully and truly,
House guest.