these words are my own.

Yes, a second post today.

No, we're not playing tic-tac-toe.

We're going to discuss numbers. My numbers. I stalk weight loss blogs like crazy and I've never seen anyone do this before, which seems outrageous to me because I effing love numbers. Math... eff yesssss.

I think it ironic and appropriate that the symbol for numbers is known as "pound." How fitting for this discussion.

I texted my college BFF this morning to tell her the momentous news that I had finally reached my skinny college weight. The text that followed got sent so fast I hardly knew what my fingers had typed before I pressed SEND.

I said to her, "It's weird... I almost don't know what to do next."

That's the worst part about reaching goals, the emptiness and the "what now?" Before I get lost, I've gotta reassess.

Starting weight: 292.0 / BMI: 43.1 / July 2011
Exercising weight: 285.0 / BMI: 42.1 / October 2011
Current weight: 220.0 / BMI: 32.5 / September 2012

Initially, my only fitness goal was to exercise every day to make the gym a habit. I have conquered that one like no one's business. Then there was the standard 5/10/20 pounds lost benchmarks. I was especially interested in getting my weight to 265, 245, and 220 for personal reasons (each weight marked certain, um, milestones).

Once I realized I really was succeeding at losing weight, I set my sight on losing 92 93 pounds. More than anything, I wanted to see my weight start with a 1. I can't tell you the last time I've seen that. So, with that...

Current short-term goal: lose 20 pounds (weigh 199/200).

And, so that I don't experience this crisis again in a few months, another goal. Except this time, a final goal.

Ultimate goal: lose 122 pounds total (weigh 170).

I maintain that I've never had a specific target weight in mind because numbers that big overwhelm the crap out of me. I've come to the final conclusion that I want to weigh 170 pounds for a few reasons, which I will explain now. Firstly, it's a healthy-ish BMI (25.1). Technically, it's "overweight" but it's important to my confidence and self-esteem that I still have curves on my body. I want fuller breasts and thicker hips and juicy thighs. I'm built that way naturally and I find it to be very appealing, both to myself and my partner. So there's that. Secondly, it's a number I would be proud to say out loud. At 5'9" with a curvy build, I don't think anyone could fault me for deviating from the 120/130/140 pound standards. Thirdly, it's not out of reach and yet it still poses a challenge. Believe me, it's scary to think that there's still another 50 pounds to lose (ANOTHER FIFTY?!), but I've done it once and I can do it again. Lastly, I believe 170 pounds to be a weight that I can actually maintain. I'm sure with serious dedication that I could get my weight to a more health-friendly 150, but I fear that in doing so I will forever spend my life obsessing about food and exercise. Not to mention, I have yet to have any kids so it seems almost stupid to be talking about a "final" weight when I will have to repeat this process as many times as I procreate.

To reiterate, I've got 20 pounds to lose in the short term, and 50 long term.

A little more math:
Current: 72/122 = 59% [FAILING]
212 goal: 80/122 = 65% [D]
200 goal: 92/122 = 75% [C]
188 goal: 104/122 = 85% [B]
176 goal: 116/122 = 95% [A]
DUNZO: 122/122 = 100% [A +++]

Side note: I know I've marked my current progress as failing, but I in NO WAY actually believe that to be true. I'm a god damn rock star. But I've always been an A student and putting it in these terms makes it palatable to me. Instead of having a list of random numbers and goals, this provides me with a framework that I can relate to; it has meaning that is personal to me that is meant to motivate, despite using the very un-motivating word, "fail."