c'est comme la mer et les marées.

I've been avoiding this. This little blog right hurr. It used to be my refuge, the place where I shared my failures and basked in my happiness and obsessively combed through my archives looking for subtle hints that might give me more insight into my own psyche.

I have been avoiding all of it.

There's a fairly good explanation for it, at least:

I've been busy living.

In the weeks that have passed since my last post, I've been battling a 8-9 pound weight gain. When I first saw the number on the scale, I thought I would be extraordinarily disappointed in myself for slipping in the wrong direction, until I realized how absolutely unproductive that would be. Instead, I fought back.

I stopped to figure out how it happened. What was I eating that I knew I shouldn't be? Why was I not looking forward to exercising? When were things at their worst? Where could I make simple changes?

I've found that booze in any quantity and for any reason is... counterproductive. I have more incendiary things to say, but I'll leave that for another time seeing as how I'm about to embark on a week-long vacation that will be soaked in alcohol.

Also, I have drifted away from plain water and into the arms of flavored drinks. It's been a nonstop barrage of Gatorade, lemonade, Crystal Lite, and diet sodas. I absolutely know better, I just can't get myself to care.

Vegetables have stopped appealing to me. The good news is that I'm at least mindful of my caloric intake so my weight has reached a much more acceptable level, but that's not to say that I'm doing it healthily.

In my dreams [literally] I was doing calculations on how much weight I've lost since this time last year. Initially I was disappointed (mostly because I lack perspective) until I took a real good look at 1) where I had been in the last few years and 2) where I actually am now. It's taken a tremendous amount of effort to see my current weight as a positive thing as opposed to the glaring failure it feels like. Instead of embracing my new skinnier frame, I have been criticizing myself for not having met some of my goals [yet]. But it's pointless to punish myself for failing to be something I'm not (if that makes sense?). I'm not 199 pounds... not right at this moment. Which is not to say I won't ever be. Which is not to say it's not worth fighting for. Which is not to say that I failed, because where I'm standing right now feels pretty damn good. AND THAT COUNTS.

Tonight I will be headed (first east then) west for an entire week at home with my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. I know it's a few days early, but I'd like to take this opportunity to run through a few important thank yous:

I'd like to give thanks for doctors, all doctors, but especially mine.
For health insurance, and friendly health insurance employees who take the time to look up information for me.
For all the countless souls online who took the time to write about things they know... about anything. For all the hours I've spent learning and growing and becoming excited over such words.
For shoes. And running. And all the nice people I run into outside who are always so friendly. For everyone who, in whatever tiny denomination, has helped me feel comfortable in spandex... in public.
For all the negative comments and the bad looks and unsolicited criticism in the form of "advice." And 100x more importantly, all the nice things people have had to say. The kind, the encouraging, the supportive, the complimentary. All of it.

Above weighing a certain weight or looking a certain way, I wanted this journey to end in the realization that I could be a normal person despite all my food-related issues. I had expected this feeling to come out of years of practice, so I'm pleased to announce my reemergence from my blog-vacation being fully in possession of "normal" people qualities.

It has not been without struggle, but the last month has been an exercise in how to enjoy one's self, go overboard, and clean up the mess in a healthy manner. And I succeeded. Blissfully.

[PS - today's banner picture is a nod to my favorite, the Steelers, and my new favorite, Thor aka Kiesel. And it's also a celebration of the fact that I am UNDER 100 KGS and maintaining it. Two-digit weight for the win.]