it's what i got.

Back to the harsh realities of life!

The past four days have been a huge lesson in dealing with uncertainty. I find myself failing at my goals more often than I'd like to admit because of one reason alone: I'm too insistent on controlling my environment.

Going out to eat happens. Having to make a meal at the gas station happens. Unexpected drinks with friends happens. Not being able to sleep, not having access to food, not taking in fluids like you normally do... all of that is more common than uncommon. I've said it before, I need to learn to roll with the punches.

This weekend involved a lot of beer. And since we were at the mercy of our hosts, the restaurant/food choices were pretty much made for me (Friday night's dinner was a local barbeque joint, Saturday brunch was delivery pizza, Sunday brunch was omelets and cinnamon rolls). I got to make ONE decision and I decided to make it count. Saturday night's dinner wasn't exactly meant to be a dinner, we had tickets for Food and Froth at the Milwaukee Public Museum where we were promised all you can eat AND drink for the hours of the event (7-10pm). A friend of ours had gone last year and suggested that we have a pre-event "dinner" comprised of appetizers because he said it would be hard to make a meal out of the food at the event. Our group met at the restaurant in Double Tree in downtown Milwaukee, and while everyone else was splitting nachos and cheese curds and soup served in bread bowls, I sprang for the salad even at a whopping $15 (they didn't offer anything smaller than entrée-sized).

I'm highly susceptible to the "when in Rome" mentality and to peer pressure as well, so it was a huge deal for me to have gone against the grain. Sure, I got weird looks when my monster sized salad was brought to my seat, but fuck you. Believe me, I would have LOVED to have had cheese curds (we WERE in Wisconsin, after all) but I rationalized my restraint by reminding myself to be selective with my indulgences. I chose beer over an unhealthy-albeit-yummy dinner and I feel really good about that choice. Go me.

I haven't weighed myself since last week, and that won't change anytime soon. Beer gives me serious bloating issues to the point of it being actual legit medical edema so I'm allowing my meds (oh how covenient you are, Mr Diamox) to do their jobs and flush out my body in time.

And for some super exciting awesome news:
I GOT TO SEE MY OPHTHALMOLOGIST TODAY!

I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got my insurance stuff sorted out and my new cards were mailed to me last week. I called both my doctors' offices beforehand to make absolutely certain that I wouldn't have any more insurance problems and I was assured I was good to go. Even so, I was nervous coming in for my first appointment this morning on the new insurance.

I wasn't exactly sure what the co-pay/co-insurance situation is with this new plan, so I came equipped with cash, credit, and my checkbook just in case. I had no problems checking in with the ladies in the front office and the same can be said for the process as I left the appointment. A huge relief, for certain.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but when I was forced with the choice of having to find new doctors or a new insurance plan, I told my contact at the Health Benefits office that I didn't have a preference as long as I could stay with my neurologist... all the other doctors I'd be willing to switch. I take that back. I only see my ophthalmologist once a year, but she's fantastic. Just plain wonderful. After 14 months of not seeing her she remembered me, remembered details of my case, and was genuinely interested in seeing progress in my condition. I feel really good being in her care. My vision has improved significantly since I first came in to see her in 2011 and it's been extraordinarily helpful to have a doctor taking notes on my conversations. Sometimes I feel like nothing is changing because change happens so slowly, but then I have a 14 month visit that bring me back to reality: I have moved mountains to get where I am today.

Dr T tells me there's still just a tiny bit of swelling in my left optic nerve (I was expecting this), but my eyes look good and my headaches are gone. It's not news, but it's still wonderful.

So today, I am happy for what I have. It's not perfect, it's not ideal, but it's good and I get to say it's mine.