i just crush a lot.

Phase 1 of my weight loss happened primarily in the kitchen. Better foods and less of everything else made the weight fly off because that's how metabolisms work: I was eating too many calories for what my body needed. But Phase 1 actually STARTED in the gym. I couldn't handle having to revamp my entire diet because of the huge commitment involved: PICKING better foods, BUYING better foods, and EATING better foods. You have to know 1) what to buy, 2) where to find it, 3) how to use it/cook with it, 4) actually make something of it before it becomes a fixture of your life. For example: I know chia seeds are really good for you. I have no fucking clue in this sweet world where I could find those in my grocery store and even if I did bring a bag home, they would most likely take up space in the back of my pantry never to be eaten. So for me, chia seeds are no good because I won't commit to using them.

But committing to the gym... that was something different. In the very beginning, it was embarrassingly obvious that I had zero athletic ability and that baby steps in ANY direction were going to make a world of difference. My routine has changed tremendously in the last year-and-a-half, and despite knowing that my struggles with weight loss are really struggles with food, I keep plugging away at the treadmill.

Why? Good question.

Because exercise keeps me motivated. It's the burn in my abs, the fatigue in my lower legs, the tingle in my shoulders that remind me throughout the day to make smart choices. I desperately wanted bread today, anything with bread. White bread with barely any nutritional value, dismal quantities of fiber and way too much salt for something that's not even salty, I wanted THAT. But the memory of the sweat dripping off my face as I did my bench presses at the gym today reminded me that I am better than that.

Exercising makes me want to get up earlier so that I have more time to do everything I want to do with my day. It helps me make better food choices because I absolutely DO NOT believe in the theory of eating something to "burn it off" later. It makes me feel good about myself because I'm stronger, leaner, more flexible, and every day is a surprise to see what my body does next. I feel like I've finally had a breakthrough with the gym. I don't dread the treadmill (I promise I'll stop calling it the dreadmill) and I've expanded my weight lifting routine so I'm actually excited to go in every day. It feels pretty effing good.

And, and, and. Who doesn't love a challenge?!

I've been speed and hill training on the treadmill lately (increasing my speed by 0.1 every 2 minutes until my body can't handle it, and running at a 5.0 incline) and the burst of triumph in my chest gave me a bounce in my step that not even a long day at work could take away. I did two new things today: I ran at a 5.3 (my normal is 4.9) and I ran at a 7.5 incline (usually go for 5.0). My face was flushed, my shirt was soaked in sweat, it took me a while to catch my breath, but I did it and no one can take that away from me. Sure, the girl in front of me was running at 8.7 mph fresh as a fucking flower, but that's her business. MY business was AWESOME and that's all that matters.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm happy that I made the choice to put myself in an uncomfortable scenario for a fraction of my day because now I know I'm better for it. I'm proud that I didn't quit, and I'm thrilled to get to do it all over again.

On a final note: that video above... OMG. It's literally been on repeat at home for days. I watched the video over and over and over on the treadmill, and then I did the same on my iPod while lifting weights... two days in a row. Mad love for Miss Celine.