i was waiting for so long.

MY BODY HURTS.

I FUCKING MISSED THIS.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

THIS IS AWESOME.

I WANT MORE.

I need to take it easy.

My podiatrist cleared me to run again beginning Tuesday June 18, so naturally I dressed for a run shortly after midnight last night. I had made promises that I would only run 1 or 2 km, come back home, sleep, and re-assess my situation in the morning after my foot had a chance to respond to all the new trauma, but let's be real. I started running and I didn't want to stop. I didn't set out with a route in mind which was problem #1, and I never really gave myself rules about when to walk, when to stop, and when to call an ambulance (problem #2). I found myself with a stress fracture by running through the pain and that's a habit I need to break starting yesterday.

It's been over a month since I've had a proper run and my lungs felt the burn. Within the first half-kilometer, I contemplated walking because I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest, and it took a long time before I stopped thinking those thoughts. At 2.5 km I was committed to running a full 5 km and THANKFULLY my brain set up some red flags. That's how this all started: reach the goal at any cost.

I think running for the next few weeks, if not months, will be spent thinking through the entire process. At one point I had to remove my earbuds so I could focus on my foot. I had to be mindful of my speed, cracks in the road, hills, and how I land on my left foot, the entire time asking myself does that hurt? should that hurt? is this normal? how does the other foot feel? are you just making this up? OMG I'M PANICKING.

The greatest thing I learned last night is that while my one foot is still healing, my other foot is fine which gives me a great reference point. It feels good to be back :)

Side note (MAJOR NEWS): I tried on a pair of New Balance running shoes this weekend (they were for my dad, his and my feet are roughly the same size) and I spent days thinking about getting a pair for myself. It's been such a long time since I've worn traditional athletic shoes that I've missed so much of the new technology and I have to admit... these NB shoes were light as air and cute-cute-cute. And then I put on my Vibrams. HAHAHAHA Traditional shoes are whack. Delusion over.

Finally, stats:

I ran 5.36 km in 40:20
My foot doesn't hurt and it's not sore today
I really should lift weights more
I gained 2 pounds throughout this ordeal. 6/18/2013 weigh in: 209.0

trying to fight the in between.

I have two suitcases that have become the center of my world lately: a small one for weekends in Des Moines, and a larger one for weekends in Chicago. All the same stuff gets shuffled back and forth between the two so much that I never bother to unpack anymore; rather, I follow a re-pack process that basically transfers the essentials from one bag to the other.

The problem I that I never know what I have. Is my contact solution in this bag or that bag? When's the last time I washed that dress? Where do I keep my bathing suit? And how many pairs of shoes do I need this weekend?

It's understandably frustrating.

But none of that matters. None of it. Not the fact that I might be wearing dirty clothes right at this second. Not the fact that there's sand in my suitcase from the flip flops I wore to the lake yesterday. Not the fact that I'm pretty sure I lost my deodorant either in my car or behind some furniture.

It doesn't matter because I'm going running tonight.

#pleaseletitbehealed

for good fun.

Iowa's way behind when it comes to new music but I was eating this shit up in Chicago last weekend... I couldn't change the station without hearing this song. After the sixth or seventh time hearing it (in a row) I think I'm ready to declare this the song of the summer. Also, I kind of love it, but I haven't heard it on the radio at home yet which means there's still plenty of time for my love to turn into hate. But it still stands as the song of the summer. I declared it.

I want to run so bad. SO BAD. I've been having dreams about running, on Tuesday night I dreamed I ran a half marathon and I woke up feeling so accomplished, I almost have a hard time believe that it didn't happen. It was so incredibly real that I can't shake the feeling. Also incredibly real was last night's nightmare that I went for my first run and found that I couldn't run. I got about six hours of sleep before the panic of that dream woke me in a cold sweat.

I have been complaining to those who will listen that weight loss was so much easier in the beginning. I'm so disappointed that I've stalled AGAIN, especially so close to such a big goal, and I started to long for the days fifty, sixty, seventy pounds ago when I knew that every morning on the scale would be a victory.

Maybe I'm reminiscing too much and glossing over the shitty parts (oh it was definitely shitty back then) but being unable to exercise isn't helping any. Thankfully, I woke up this morning with this dedication, this fire, that wasn't going to keep me down. I woke, I dressed, and I got to it. Just like that. There was no thought involved, just action.

Twenty minutes on the elliptical, three rounds of my weight lifting routine, and 30 minutes spent with Hilary Burnett doing her intermediate routine.

I have felt so calm today. So calm, and so NOT HUNGRY. I know tomorrow my body's going to be angry for my sudden enthusiasm but I miss this.

I can't run. I want to run, but I can't. There's no boot holding me back now but I was advised to take it easy and I had a shaky experience on the elliptical, so my internal sensors are screaming NO every time my heart starts to ache for the pavement.

I need to learn to be happy with what I have. I could be happy. I could be.

up all night to get some.

As of 11:15 this morning I am officially out of the boot!... kinda.

My podiatrist opted against additional x-rays since my progress has been so stellar but I do have some tenderness and sensitivity in the region of my fracture which leads him to believe that it's healed but still in the process of healing? Confusing, I know. The takeaway from today's meeting is that I served myself well by being patient with the boot, wearing it consistently, and taking a load off (literally).

The bad news is that I am still banned from running for the next two weeks, and the boot returning is always a threat if I start to feel pain of any sorts. So my goal for the next two weeks is to be kind to my feet! I'll need to build up strength in my foot again, starting out slowly I'll reintroduce weight-bearing activities like walking and ellipticalling and I'm getting back to Pilates and weight lifting, which I should have been doing all along but screw you for judging.

I know I was griping about my home gym before, but now I'm actually kind of glad. Is still haven't busted out my new weights set and you know how much I love having new toys to play with.

I'm just happy that through all of this I've had insurance and the resources necessary to take care of my health properly. Not everyone is so lucky.

PS - a side note to gripe about something my doctor said today: he told me I need to be wearing the athletic shoes I run in because they have "proper arch support" to help my foot heal faster. I never told him what kind of shoes I run in so he must have assumed that I use standard trainers. I understand why some scientists believe that you need cushioning to support the foot, but the science isn't 100% there. My doc specifically said that if I don't wear proper shoes my high arch would collapse and I know for a fact that his statement is a lie. 1) I have unusually high arches and 2) I have spent most of my LIFE barefoot (no exaggeration there)... my body has adjusted. My foot naturally supports its arch without the use of shoes or cushioning or orthotics... I have very strong foot muscles if you care to test me on this. I agree that flip-flops are not proper shoes to be wearing short of communal showers and swimming pools (poor choice on wearing flip flops to my appointment this morning) but I will not have anyone tell me that I need orthotics to "support my arch" TO HEAL A FRACTURED METATARSAL. Plus, omg the hypocrisy kills me, the boot which he prescribed to me for TWO WEEKS had zero arch support, zero toe support, zero heel support, came in a standard unisex size L without differentiating between right foot and left foot... you cannot tell me that mass produced shoes sold for profit are optimized for my body's mechanics. Science aside, the shoe industry is a BUSINESS that operates in a way meant to make money off the greatest number of people possible. I am pro-science, and I pro-research, I believe my doctor is a smart guy who really is trying to help me, but I'm an expert on my body and I know beyond any doubt that my arches are not about to collapse anytime soon. And I certainly don't need anyone selling me $50 shoe inserts along with stories intended to instill me with the fear of my feet imploding. Thanks but no thanks, I know how medical product sponsorships work.