standing by through good and through trying times.

Fun fact of the day: ten gallons of milk weigh roughly 85 pounds.
Second fun fact of the day: I have lost the weight equivalent of 10 gallons of milk.

I'm not going to lie, I would describe my eating as of late with the word "sloppy," and I have been avoiding the gym like mad. Actually, avoiding all exercise. Just don't feel like it these days. But the truth behind my distorted perception is that I really do eat very little, and the "bad" choices I make are usually small and measured, and the days when I throw all my rules out the window I'm still in the habit of thinking healthier.

Like, Sundays are always a bad day for me. It starts with boyfriend's famous breakfast burritos which are basically carb bombs. I always go for two servings, but as of the last few months the definition of "two servings" has changed. In the past it meant two giant burritos; now our burritos are limited by the size of the tortillas we use (Santa Fe Tortilla Company whole grain tortillas, 8 inches at 100 calories each) and if I insist on seconds, then I skip the second tortilla and make a sort of scrambled hash instead. Also, skip the cheese. Always skip the cheese.

I guess the benefit to my "bad" weekends is that I never feel deprived, and I go about the rest of the week making super good choices knowing that I need to offset things like Sunday's breakfast burritos and last night's bad choices at Red Lobster. It's sort of equivalent to the Zig Zag concept since I calorie load on varying days, maybe my recent success has something to do with the change in my eating patterns (gotta admit, it's super weird and I'd be hard pressed to define any regularity in how/when I decide to indulge)?

Who knows. It's working though.

I told boyfriend last night I think I might have BDD. When I look down at my body, I see pretty much exactly the same thing from a year, two years ago. In my head I haven't changed, but every once in a while I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it startles me. I saw the reflection of a pair of legs walking in a pane of glass and I was thinking "damn, those are nice stems." It took a while to register that those were my legs, and even then... I looked down at my legs and decided that the glass was lying to me. I'm convinced every mirror in my life is a trick mirror. Is there a lite version of BDD? I'm not making jokes here. I don't obsess about my appearance, there's just... a disconnect. When I close my eyes and try to imagine what I look like, I can't visualize a thing. I have no idea. I haven't the slightest clue about how much space I occupy, I can look at a chair and think "there's no way I can sit there" and then I find that there are spare inches of space on either size of my bum. I've had that problem with clothes, I'm still in the habit of picking up the size L or XL from the rack and finding that it doesn't fit. I am not a Medium. But apparently I am? Tell my brain that.

I chose today's banner picture because I needed a strong visualization for what 85 pounds represents. I have lived the life and still have no idea what losing 85 pounds means. Despite my almost year of weight lifting, there's no way in the seven levels of hell that I could carry 10 gallons of milk on my body, and for that I am extremely grateful and proud of my accomplishment. But there's still 37 to go and that's what I'm focused on.

la nuit a été longue.

Late night 10.52km in the rain. Empty thoughts and good music. Pure joy.

209.0 and a renewed sense of confidence. I am awesome.

go on and on.

SO... I've been avoiding this. THISSSS.

I ate like shit last week/over the weekend. And I skipped the gym... several times. And when I did make it to the gym, it was pretty much disaster after disaster.

I feel like my arm muscles are getting softer.

For some reason I couldn't buckle down and get my training in order. I couldn't make it through ten minutes of a run, I couldn't lift without thinking "quit now, quit now, quit now," everywhere I tried it felt like my best was only half as good. As if that wasn't bad enough, I went nut balls on half of a Pizza Hut $10 big box (HALF... in one sitting! who does that?), another day I had 2 cherry cokes and a Happy Meal, another day was my favorite 7 Seas Burrito (and I licked the plate clean). That's just what I had from restaurants, I can't even keep track of my at-home indulgences.

Hot mess, to put it lightly.

I kept telling myself "something is better than nothing" but I'm not sure I believed it. I felt bad that I didn't try harder. But I knew eventually I would have to make peace with the scale and accept the consequences because that's the only way to move forward.

Bad choices happen, but I have to keep going.

210.0! Hot diggity damn I did not see that coming. TEN. TEN. TENNNNN!!! So, half a pound. Half a pound, and then ten to go. And then wonderland. I'm so very humbled.

ps - today's banner pic is a total shout-out to iTunes, without which I probably would not have been so successful in my get-healthy endeavor. no one should have to suffer the gym in silence.

ready to go.

Don't ask me why, but this picture cracks me up.

Because I haven't done this in a while...
09 April 2013
current weight: 210.5

#	1/25/2011	3/05/2012	7/18/2012	1/10/2013	4/09/2013	Difference
Bust	47.5	45.0	43.75	43.0	42.0	-5.5
Chest	44.5	39.0	37.5	37.5	36.25	-8.25
Waist	44.0	40.0	38.5	38.5	38.0	-6.0
Hips	54.5	51.0	47.5	47.5	46.25	-8.25
Thighs, L/R	30.5/30.0	28.5/28.5	27.75/27.75	27.5/27.5	26.5/26.5	-4.0
Calves, L/R	20.0/20.5	20.5/20.0	18.0/18.0	17.25/17.5	16.75/17.0	-3.0
Upper Arms, L/R	17.5/17.5	16.5/16.5	15.0/15.75	15.5/16.0	15.5/15.75	-2.0
Forearms, L/R	12.5/13.0	11.5/12.5	11.75/11.5	/11.5/11.5	11.5/11.5	-1.0

when you're lying down on the floor.

I made a lot of poor choices over the last few days. It started with bread and salt on Thursday and it snowballed from there.

Stupid Jimmy John's and their stupid delicious bread.

I know better, but my stupid fat kid tendencies sometimes get the best of me. And that stupid high schooler who came around selling fundraiser chocolates when I was breaking down, yeah... fuck that kid.

They were PEANUT BUTTER BEARS. I couldn't say no.

And two of the most sacred words on the planet:

Not my restaurant, but I bet it's still dirty cheap and filthy delicious.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. I made bad decisions for days, but above it all I knew that no matter what I had to go to the gym. And gym I did.

Even when the clock failed me on Thursday, I made time for the elliptical at home.

Even when I had better more enticing plans on Friday, I woke up early to run.

Even when my legs quit on me on Saturday, I forced myself into a power walk.

Because every little bit counts, and something is always better than nothing.

As if the guilt wasn't eating away at me enough, my intestines decided to punish me too. So thanks, biology, for your not-so-subtle reminder to not treat my body this way. I'd like to say that I won't do it again, but I definitely haven't learned my lesson. But fuck you anyway, I won.

210.5

always come back for more.

I didn't even realize earlier when I posted that I reached another milestone today. 80 pounds lost so far!

Today's banner pic is in honor of Interstate 80 which cuts across the length of the great state of Iowa. Living in Iowa City, I-80 is a pretty big deal because we don't have our own freeway (just the Interstate) and it's pretty much the only road that'll take you anywhere out of town. 120 miles on 80 headed west will take you to my family in Des Moines, and 80 east for 12 hours will land you in Pittsburgh. Two of my favorite places. So yeah, mad love for 80.

To be honest, I thought I would look different after 80 pounds lost, but continuing in the theme of being honest, that was based on nothing. No facts, no previous experiences with weighing 212 pounds. It was plain wishful thinking. I had always hoped I would see myself at a weight this low but I really have been struggling with visualization lately. It all seems so... surreal.

I had taken great care at the beginning of my weight loss journey to not focus on the end result, mostly because the thought of having to lose 100+ pounds made me want to quit before I even started. I had never intentionally lost more than 5 pounds, so losing 20 or 50 or 100 was just out of the picture. Little by little, day by day, I've been slowly chipping away at the excess weight on my body, trusting in the process and having faith in myself. It hasn't been fast or easy, but I can tell you with every ounce of enthusiasm in my body that it was worth it.

The excitement that I feel today is not from realizing that I've lost 80 pounds, it's from realizing that I only have 42 more to go. After much thought and consideration, I have come to the conclusion that my final weight should be around 170 pounds. This is the first time in my adult life that 170 pounds is reasonable AND attainable. I don't know when it'll happen for me, but I can tell you how: eating less, moving more, and making better choices.

Moving forward from here is exhilarating. After all this time I finally have a goal and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I get to count down to the end rather than counting up all the pounds. Of course health is still my main priority but I know that if I focus on achieving a healthy weight, biology will work out the rest of the details for me.

My short-short-short term goal is to lose 3 pounds. It would be the first time in too long that I will see my weight start 20X... even at 209 that's a sight worth fighting for.

The next goal after that is an obvious one: wonderland. 13 to go.

And after that... the final thirty. My next appointment with my lovely neurologist is towards the end of May, so for now I want to focus all my attention on getting as close to 199 as possible. I have exactly 7 weeks to go and I'm ready to do this.

j'aurais voulu être un artiste.

Because I forgot yesterday... GREEN DAY IN CONCERT WAS AMAZING. I had my concerns with Billy Joe having been in rehab recently, but they definitely had their mojo. I was a teen in college when American Idiot came out and even ten years later it's one of my favorite albums of all time. They rocked my face off. I can't even.

Anyhow.

I did my best to eat well (ha.. joke) over the weekend, but there was no fruits or veggies and I didn't exercise. And then alcohol and Doritos happened. And lots of eggs. And beef. Basically everything that I wouldn't normally do, I did. I was expecting a hit on the scale, but after 2 days of being back home I sitting pretty at 212.0. Yep, that's a 0.5 pound LOSS.

Awesome.

lightyears away.

LOTS OF THINGS TO DISCUSS TODAY (no worries, you won't find any April Fool's shit here).

First up, because I forgot to mention this on Saturday... a very happy, happy, happy birthday to my favorite, Miss Celine. I cried a little tear when I realized she turned 45 because I remember her in her 20s! I have magazine clippings from her 30th birthday and by then my Celine mania was in full effect, so to give you an idea it's been a LONG time. Most of the clips in the video above are from the A New Day... DVD but it's pretty representative of the Celine experience (she really is batshit crazy). But, if you're looking for a good Celine concert I suggest the Taking Chances World Tour DVD (I prefer the Montreal show but I've been rocking the Boston show at the gym lately) orrrrr you could always catch her in Las Vegas (Céline is wayyyy superior to A New Day..., hands down). Okay, shameless plug is over.

I visited my parents over the weekend and I am happy to report that I ate absolutely no Easter candy! Or pie, or ice cream, or anything sweet. I did have a Mike's Hard Strawberry Margarita, at 220 calories and 33g of carbs I did feel kind of bad for my indulgence but fuck it. I work hard.

In order to overcome my weight issues over the last couple of years, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out where my problems come from. I know that I'm not an emotional eater (I'm an emotional starver! I like the feeling of control and deprivation) but beyond that it's been rather difficult to pinpoint my issues. The more time I dedicate to eating right and exercising regularly, the more it becomes apparent to me, most notably during my trips home. Here's a quick rundown:

• I had to pack fruits in my overnight bag because I was almost certain there wouldn't be any when I got home. I was absolutely right. Except for a pair of really old, wrinkled, dried out oranges, there was literally nothing in the house in terms of fresh fruits and vegetables. I had always told myself that it's because my parents are extremely busy people (that part is true) and I only visit at the end of the week before they've gone grocery shopping, but the truth is that I don't really ever remember having fresh fruits and veggies in our house. Ever. Onions and potatoes, sure. But having a basket of a variety of fruits was never a thing for us.
• My sister is on the Atkins diet. Wait, let me back up a bit. I've never been on a "diet," the best categorization for what I'm doing now is a (oh god, super cliché) lifestyle change. Having never tried an actual diet plan, I try to keep my criticisms to myself but from what I understand about food and nutrition and the body... you can't cut any food group out. They all exist for a reason. But what I do with MY body is MY business, and what other people do with theirs... just, don't rub it in my face okay? With that, here's my beef (HAHAHAHA Atkins pun): my sister (and her partner, who is also on the plan) were downing Bacardi and Diet Cokes like nobody's business because the drink has zero carbs. Sooo... she can't have fruit, she needs to be picky with her vegetables, but bottomless Bacardi-and-Cokes are okay because it's carb free? I don't believe in that one bit. Now, I've already admitted that I drank this weekend (one Mike's Margarita) because I'm a fucking adult and drinking is allowed, but for fucking serious? I will sit on my high horse because my 80 pound weight loss (and counting!) was not achieved with endless meat and Bacardi. My biggest issue with diet trends in general is that they're predicated on these rules which don't make sense. I don't believe that the Atkins diet was created with the intention of abusing the no-carb loophole to include Bacardi (and other such items), but these diets give people the impression that, as long as they follow the "rules," they're doing something healthy for themselves. No. Drop the meat, have an apple, for fuck's sake.
• It came up in an unrelated conversation that my mom had had a consultation for weight loss surgery. Even at my heaviest (292 pounds, which was WAY heavier than my mom has ever been) I never considered it. Not only do I think of surgery as the cheap way out, it will never solve the emotional issues tied to why you gain the weight in the first place. I've been taking care of my head and my [figurative] heart as much as I've been caring for my body during this process and I know for a fact that surgery cannot offer the same. Plus, (and I wish more people would talk about this) there is something to be said about clawing your way out of your predicament. I can tell you that I'm a better person since I've begun dedicating myself to a healthier life, because a "healthier life" really includes EVERYTHING. Better health, better mind and body, better sleep, better self esteem... this has bled into every aspect of everything I do every minute of every day. I'm a better student because of the mental strength I have developed from running; I'm better at Pilates because I lift weights; I wear smaller clothes, I have more confidence, I rock the shit out of every day because I feel like a rock star because my yogurt and bananas for breakfast and the awesome 7 hours of sleep I got last night have me pumped for my return to the gym tonight. It's all so interconnected that I cannot even imagine taking the surgery route. When I asked my mom why she was considering the surgery she didn't answer; instead my sister piped in. "Because she's lazy." I wish my sister hadn't said that, I wish she hadn't robbed my mom of the opportunity to explain her choice, but the words were spoken and now I can't get it out of my head.
• I was analyzing the food that we eat while at my parents' and it's always a variation of meat-and-starch or meat-and-grains. By my suggestion, we had a salad at dinner last night, but it was lettuce with WAY too many calorie-dense toppings and a really heavy dressing. I'm an adult now which means I get to make my own choices (and I really do trust my choices these days) so it wasn't a huge issue that I deviated from the norm this weekend (it was only two days, after all). But, so help me, I hope to never do that to my children. I don't even care about the organic versus pesticide, free range, cruelty free, hormone/antibiotic, blah blah blah blah nonsense. I don't want to live a life where all we eat is meat and potatoes. There's a lot to be said about a simple tomato/cucumber/fill-in-the-blank, you know?
• I'm so stopped up from this weekend's dietary choices that I'm seriously happy that I don't live that way anymore.

Finally, we had a girl's shopping extravaganza on Saturday and I walked out with some cute scores from Target. I tried on several things but I only purchased two (a faux-leather jacket size L, and a black dress size L) but the real excitement came from the things that didn't go home with me. I tried on a Prabal Gurung dress in a size 14 (it was the only size available) and it zipped and it was ROOMY. I almost cried a happy tear. It didn't go home with me because I really needed a 12, and also because the silhouette was weird on my body (small details). There was also a super cute printed pencil skirt (bright flowers on a black background) that I could only find in a size 10. I couldn't get it to zip all the way but I did get it over my hips and bum. It's mind blowing to think that my normally large ass is almost a size 10. I'm not even upset that it didn't fit because this is the first time ever in my life that I could get a size 10 up past my knees. Yeah... I was a hefty kid. Deal with it.

I have a wild guess that I gained two pounds at home over the weekend and I'll probably spend all week dealing with the aftermath, but I'm surprisingly okay with that. It was a good weekend and I feel fabulous.