when you're gone i'll still be bloody mary.

I'm getting really mad. REALLY MAD.

I wish there weren't so many complainers out there;
I wish fewer people would fight their doctors every step of the way;
I wish people would just give things a chance before interjecting with their non-medical opinions;

I get it: pain makes for great art (or at least a great blog, anyway). The amount of interest for a horror story increases tenfold over the interest for a happy ending. There is only a certain number of ways to say "congratulations" or "that's amazing," but a million ways to criticize.

It never occurred to me to ask my doctor if she was interested in handling an IIH case, but at the same time I never got the feeling like I was boring or troubling her. We're following a trial and error method; it's far from being an exact science, but there's a very clear understanding on both our parts that no one knows that much about IIH.

I had my fifth basic metabolic blood panel done yesterday. I found out that each one costs $200 before insurance. Thank god for insurance. I love that my doc makes me have labs done every time I see her, and sometimes even when I don't see her: yesterday marks the second time I've had to have labs done independent of a neuro appointment. But aside from her keeping an eye on my electrolytes and blood gasses, it's also my responsibility to eat right to keep my sodium from skyrocketing and my potassium from tanking. It's ridonculous how many bananas I eat.

To round things out, here are some notes on life:

1. Diamox is going swimmingly. The first ten days at the new dose were a bitch, and now I'm fine. From time to time, I get lazy about drinking water and I'll wake up mid-sleep with a nasty tingle in my foot (always the right foot) but it's nothing 30 ounces of water can't ride me of.

2. I work out EVERY DAY (no exaggerations). Even on the days I give myself permission to take off to rest (like Sunday and Monday, I wanted to avoid aggravating my foot problem), I still manage to exercise. Both says I told myself it would be okay to stay home, and both days I just felt better suffering it out at the gym. Sunday was particularly bad, so I only accomplished 2 miles on the elliptical but I added an hour of Pilates at home.

3. Working out is not enough. And by that I mean two things:

A) I thought I was going to lose all this weight by pounding it out on the elliptical. Seven weeks in, things are slightly stagnant. So in addition to my daily gym habit, I am now aiming to do an hour of Pilates four times a week. Maybe five. Let's see how my abs hold up, first. So far I've done it twice this week and I'm sublimely happy to be back at it -- I MISSED IT.

B) Food, stupid fucking food.

4. To elaborate on 3B: I HAD TO get use to the feeling of being hungry. It's not fun or comfortable. I'm cranky most of the time. But between the Diamox and working out, I've had an easier time than ever learning how to rock the single serving. I cook the same as before, I buy all the same foods as before, almost nothing has changed. The only difference now is that I eat less, and it's doing WONDERS.

Firstly, when I cook, it's in the same quantities that I'm used to. Instead of restricting the amount of food that's around, I HAD TO HAD TO HAD TO get comfortable with being around a bounty of food without feeling the need to eat it all. I NEVER want to feel deprived. That being said, I cook the same as before. When I eat less, my boyfriend tends to eat less (I think it's making him self conscious and he feels guilty), and with the both of us eating less that means we have more for leftovers! I don't do much with leftover meals, but my boyfriend loves taking them to school with him and it saves him the money from having to go out to eat. JEANS SHOULD BE SKINNY, WALLETS SHOULD BE FAT. Duh.

5. I never see people talking in specifics, so here it goes:

A) I do 35-60 minutes on the elliptical 5-7 times a week. Most of the time I go for 45 minutes, during which time I can accomplish 4 miles, burn around 700 calories, and my heart rate hovers somewhere between 150-155. Recently, I've had to scale back due to a foot problem. For the last week I've been doing 36 minutes, 3 miles, 530 calories, heart rate at around 147. This will change since I just bought new shoes.

B) My first and only goal when I started working out was to make it routine, weight loss was at the back of my mind. I figured the first step to getting in shape was to get to the gym. I LITERALLY mean GET TO THE GYM. I added a few incentives along the way, and now I can't go to the gym without them:

I invested in some compression pants from Old Navy. They're not Lululemon by any means, but they keep the jiggles in check and prevent chafing and wick away the inevitable moisture. I've designated these pants FOR GYM ONLY so if I'm wearing them, I had best be on my way to work out. Also in my wardrobe are racerback tanks, I like the ones with built-in bras, sports bras, a short sleeve full zipper hoodie, iPod Nano 6th gen (EVERYONE needs at least 5 good playlists), sweat towels, foldable water bottles (I bring 3 with me to the gym and I keep more scattered around my apartment and in my purse), and THE SHOES.

I recently purchased the Adidas adiPURE barefoot trainer shoes in black/pink. I had contemplated the Vibram Five Fingers a few years back but they just didn't speak to my needs. But the adiPURE were specifically designed for indoor gym training and if you've ever spent more than ten minutes on an elliptical machine you know how important it is to be able to have full toe motion. Now that I have them, I don't know how I lived without them.

C) I feel better on the days that I work. I thought between the symptoms of IIH and Diamox tearing up my insides that my days off would be my refuge, but in fact it's the routine days that keep me feeling best. I think it mostly has to do with diet and activity levels. On days that I work, I have the same meals:

Breakfast:
1 bowl of cereal with 1/2 cup of skim, this week it's Bran Flakes. I rotate Lucky Charms, Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, and Life, depending on my mood. When I run out of cereal, I have plain oatmeal with cranberries. I ALWAYS have a banana at breakfast, I hide two Diamox pills inside a chunk of banana first thing in the morning (~6:30am). I spend the morning sipping on a hot beverage, either 20 oz. of masala chai or apple cider (no coffee!).

Lunch:
Turkey sandwich, 1 slice of cheese (usually deli fresh American or pepper jack) on 2 slices of whole wheat bread. ALWAYS 100% WHOLE WHEAT. I'll have a side of veggies, usually baby carrots and a few sticks of celery, or a string cheese if I'm out of produce, or a handful of chips if my grocery situation is desperate.

I have one apple between 1-3pm as a snack, and a plum for after my workout. I'm picky about fruit, but apples and bananas are ALWAYS on my shopping list. I'll add a third and sometimes fourth fruit depending on what's seasonal and what's on sale. Plums were 50 cents a pound last week, I've been waiting for frozen blueberries to drop in price before I jump on a 5 pound bag.

D) Dinner is always, quite literally, whatever I f**king feel like having. AB-SO-LUTE-LY ANYTHING. Last Friday, I was desperate for nachos so cheesy that the chips get soggy. So I made it. But even when cooking up a plate so inherently unhealthy as nachos, I was mindful about a few things: it couldn't just be a plate of chips and cheese. I cooked some lean ground turkey for protein, I threw heaps of vegetables into the cheese sauce (petite diced tomatoes, fresh jalapenos, cilantro, onion, garlic), held back on adding salt, and I limited the size of my serving.

And that's exactly how I live my life at dinner -- I can have whatever I want, in moderation.

6. Honesty is the best policy. Despite my absolute dedication to the gym in the last month-and-a-half, I knew that I wasn't giving it my all, but spending more time at the gym wasn't an option. So I picked up another activity! And now I'm very very happy I did, but I almost cheated myself of this awesome revelation. Blogging keeps me honest, it keeps me sane, and it helps me sort the good days from the bad.