three days and counting.

Six months ago I was frantic at the prospect of going to Las Vegas not having met any of my weight goals. Mostly because all I was doing was intermittently starving myself and praying that it made an impact on the scale.

This time around, I'm actually doing something about it. This time around, I actually EXCEEDED my goals.

I started my period yesterday. I think it was a little late? Not too late though, maybe just a week to ten days. It didn't worry me at all because it was two months late in November so I'm happy to have some semblance of a routine again. I'm 100% certain this is Diamox related, but I haven't talked to Dr Stern about it and I trust my BC so I'm not too worked up about it. Minus the part where my uterus is trying to kill me.

On the one hand, Diamox does wonderful, wonderful things, especially in relation to my period. I don't bloat which is GREAT. My cramps are minimal, manageable at worst. But the last two months have been especially brutal in this department. The flow is high and dense. It's almost impossible to sleep without making several bathroom trips... scratch that, it's impossible to do anything without making several bathroom trips.

Putting those issues aside though, it's an intense four days and then I'm done. Could be worse, I suppose. And for the first time in the history of my vagina, my period actually has GOOD TIMING for once. I should be done by Sunday, Monday at the latest, so that I don't have to spend my entire vacation worrying about bleeding through my pants. Ugh, women problems.



I spent the whole day yesterday with one of my BFFs. We went shopping, it was just supposed to be a short trip to take advantage of the buy-one-get-one-free sale on loose powders at Hot Topic (I got pink, orange, and gold for Vegas), but I was enjoying the shopping atmosphere so much that we took a gander around the mall. I remembered seeing this dress on the Old Navy website that I thought would be perfect for the wedding next week so I went to find it. Alas, they had it in TWO colors, both of which I picked up and took to the dressing room. While searching the racks, I found two other dresses that I decided to take with me to the dressing room for shits and giggles. I was certain that the first dress I picked would be the one and instead it looked like shit... in both colors. I tried on a frilly coral colored dress next and it was screaming TAKE ME HOME. The last dress was one I took out of pity because it looked so sad on the rack. I was positive that it was going to look horrible, so you can imagine my surprise when I tried it on and realized THAT was my wedding dress.

After dinner we went back to my apartment to try on the dresses some more, and that's when I had the genius idea to pair the wedding dress with a pair of black tights. The problem, however, was that the tights didn't fit when I bought them almost two months ago (I could pull them up to mid-thigh before the fabric reached its stretch limit and rendered me an awkward mermaid). But I couldn't return the tights so I tucked them in the back of my sock drawer for a skinnier day (I was thinking along the lines of next winter). Alas, I needed these tights to fit TODAY. I rolled the dice and came up a winner! The tights are a little snug around the bottom, but I am SO FREAKING THRILLED that in two months I have slimmed down enough to pull these tights over my thighs and around my bum. BAM - screw you, 30 pounds... I didn't need you anyway.

In addition to the tights, I am rediscovering the thrills of wearing heels. I had such a hard time admitting it before, but being so heavy made it damn near impossible for me to walk in heels. It wasn't that I was out of practice, it's that my very heavy frame had no business balancing on the very tiny surface of a stiletto. To compliment the wedding outfit, I pulled out some of my FAVORITE silver heels.

Picture this, picture this:

Champagne colored silk dress, sleeveless, knee length, sits high and round on the neck
Black tights
Dark silver shoes (very similar to these except mine only have 2 straps... full disclosure, I HAD MINE FIRST. Celine be jackin' my style)
silver jewelry
cropped black cardigan for weather emergencies

Do you know what this reminds me of? That Versace monstrosity Celine wore to the Vanity Fair Oscar after party a few years back. But I'm going to look SO MUCH HOTTER. I'm not sure what to do with the hair yet, but I can tell you that I am SO IN LOVE with this outfit that I'm planning on wearing it to Celine AND to the wedding. Here's to hoping I don't wreck the fabric.

The purpose for sharing all these completely unnecessary details is sevenfold:

1. To prove that persistence pays off
2. To prove that every little bit counts
3. To display the succulent fruits of such awful labor
4. To put things in perspective
5. To congratulate myself
6. To remind myself where I was, where I've been, and where I hope I'm headed
7. To keep it fun!

1. Over the holidays, EVERYONE noticed my weight loss. Not just the people I see every day, not just the people I haven't seen in ages, I'm talking ev-er-y-one. Myself included. When it was 2 pounds, 5 pounds, 10 pounds, hell... even 20 pounds, I wasn't entirely sure that it was making a difference. But now that I'm closing in on 30, I SEE IT. I FEEL IT. I WANT TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS. I kept at it, and it was totally worth it.

2. Yesterday while shopping, I told my friend I had to workout. Regardless of the time of day, I HAD to go. At 11pm she brushed it off and said it was "too late" and we should probably just call it a night. I said no, and went to the gym anyway. I'm a normal person living a normal life, sometimes I have to go to the gym at 11pm. Sometimes it's 4am, sometimes it's middle of the afternoon. The point it, my weight loss has come in 30-minute bite sized portions since it's not practical for me to spend half a day exercising. No one believes me when I say I only exercise for 35 minutes a day -- there's NO WAY you could do half an hour and get results like this. But it's true... if you do it EVERY DAY. Every little bit counts.

3. There's no better feeling in the world than slipping on a piece of clothing that didn't fit two months ago to find that it fits perfectly now. Shopping in smaller sizes is SUCH a mood lifter.

The last four are self-explanatory, just a reaffirmation to myself that this is a process, I am on a journey without an end point in mind. It's about stopping to smell the roses, and by that I mean stopping to enjoy the fact that your feet are skinnier than before.



Happy new year.

cooking for one sucks.

I was at home for five days, and during that time I didn't have much regard for what I was eating. There was enchiladas, tamales (lots and lots of tamales), menudo and white bread, sandwiches and cheese cubes to snack on, mini bags of various chips (mostly just hot cheetos out of preference), brisket, potato salad, nachos galore...

It was a shit show. Oh, we can't forget about the liquor: I had to booze my way through the weekend to avoid a really uncomfortable situation. On the day I arrived, I made a pitcher of Long Island Ice Tea mix and I worked my way through it all weekend (countless cans of Squirt and Coke to boot). Also, I didn't exercise. Not once. I didn't even walk the dogs a single time.

Yesterday I got straight off the Megabus and a friend drove me directly to work. I hadn't eaten all day so I ordered Milio's, but they were busy and in the 45 minute wait I hit a bag of candy with such fervor... oh boy. I had such a sugar crash yesterday, it was horrible. And it did really bad things to my stomach too, but that didn't stop me from having a handful of vodka gummy bears at the end of the night.

When I woke up this morning I knew I just had to weigh myself and get back on the wagon, but the scale scares me after weekends like this. Scale reads: 268. Umm... SERioUSLY? I left Iowa City last week weighing 269, so after ALL that food and liquor and candy, I LOST a pound?

NO. FUCKIN. WAY.

I am so seriously encouraged that even without exercising, I'm maintaining my weight... because maintenance is key. This proves to me that I have a handle on serving sizes and I know my limit when it comes to the good stuff. YAY ME!



I set 3 alarms to make sure I woke up early enough for the gym today, but when I woke up I was not in a gym mood. I decided it was best to save my workout for after work since that's when I have the most energy anyhow. I laid in bed a little longer to appreciate being back home, then I took a nice long shower. I stepped out at 1:30 and realized I had too much time to kill, so I started to cook.

I missed having control over what foods I eat. While I was at my parents', I ate whatever they made; I could add salt or pepper, I could control portion sizes, but I really didn't have much say in what was cooked or how it was done. Don't get me wrong, the food was wonderful. But I like knowing exactly what I'm eating.

I'm actually energized to cook again, despite being in the middle of a weird travel schedule. Today I made broccoli and chicken stirfry with white rice. I made half of what I normally make, and then I split that in half to make two meals: I put one in the fridge for tomorrow, and I took one to work for tonight. I still have half a raw chicken breast to cook, and I have a small bag of yukon golds that I'm hoping to turn into latkes tomorrow. My goal is to clean out the veggies and whatever other perishables we have in the fridge before leaving on Monday.

Once we come back from Los Angeles, my work schedule goes back to normal and I'll have a week before classes start to re-acclimate myself to normal life. I'm looking forward to it.

ring of fire.

I've lost track of my eating habits. And there has been minimal physical activity. I haven't even walked the dogs... eeek.

But I have noticed that my appetite has shrunk. At least I get fuller faster and stay that way longer. I eat 2-4 times a day, but small portions/single servings and I don't munch in between sittings.

I'd love to squeeze in Pilates tonight, and considering my current social settings, I might actually be able to make that happen. Boyfriend got me a new dvd for Christmas that I've been dying to try out.

Las Vegas is 8 days away and I am itching to get back home so I can hit the gym hard. I miss pounding out three miles and feeling on top of the world, I could use some more of that in my life right about meow. I have a limited food selection and limited funds, so when I return on Tuesday I'm going to buy essentials (milk and celery) and vow to myself that I will not eat out again until we land in Las Vegas. I know we have plenty nutritious stuff in the pantry, just not anything processed or readily edible.

I don't have a goal for Vegas, I just want to make the most of my time before we leave. It's the holidays, I deserve a little fun :)

Merry Christmas.

hot mess.

There were two problems with this weekend/week:
1. Booze.
2. No Diamox.

My food choices weren't the best, but the good thing about having takeout is that you're limited in food quantity, so that McDonald's chicken sandwich I had was only one chicken sandwich. Could be worse.

At best, I was inconsistent in taking Diamox since last Friday. In reality, the truth is probably closer to "I didn't take it at all." Tuesday morning after realizing my hangover was gone I restarted my pill routine. My booze bloat, at its worst, made the scale read 274. During finals week I had reached a low of 267.5 (although I never bothered to post about it because I was almost certain I was not eating/hydrating properly, so seeing 274 again made me panic. I started Diamox again, and a day later I weighed in at 271. Much better.

Today, after my morning bathroom habit, the scale is back to 269. I can attribute it almost entirely to the Diamox because I haven't worked out since Sunday, and I have eaten my fair share of good foods and bad foods alike this week.

So even though I've been at this weight for over a week, no progress is THE BEST progress because I survived finals week, an entire weekend of Christmas parties and binge drinking, and another week of eating out and my weight is staying steady.

This is the point where I congratulate myself: CONGRATULATIONS. You survived the worst part of Christmas.

Now, if only I can accomplish the same in Vegas...

it's christmas eve and i've only wrapped two fkn presents.

I ate two fun sized Butterfinger bars and then I saw a photo of Celine Dion in a mini dress and I immediately regretted both candies. Fuck.

I had a short workout late on Wednesday night, and 3 miles on Sunday afternoon.

In the five days since my last post, my eating habits have gone to shit. Absolute shit.

I also had two nights of very heavy drinking.

I did the mistake of weighing myself and it was not good. I'm praying that some of that is bloat from all the booze drinking and the subsequent water drinking. I have also been really sloppy about taking Diamox which I know has compounded the situation.

The holidays are so absolutely overwhelming. But my skinny pants still fit so I guess it could have been worse.

I can't wait until things simmer down long enough for me to get back to some degree of normalcy. I haven't cooked in weeks, and my body is hurting from not working out.



Today I called Mirage to see about updating our reservations to include a new promotion that they've been advertising. We originally booked using a promo code for 15% off, but today I found a different promo code for a $75 dining credit. The lovely gentleman who took my call sent over a new confirmation email that clearly states that the $22.40 daily resort fee includes use of the cardio room next to the Mirage pool. JACKPOT.

Now, to put the pieces back together before I gain all the weight back.

For the third day in a row, I have weighed myself. And for the third day in a row, the scale reads 269. I am beyond thrilled.

I was thinking about listing all the ways I have been bad this week, to include all the foods I've eaten (like pizza and nachos) that don't conform to the idea of "dieting." I was going to express my guilt for my noticeable absence at the gym this week, claim responsibility for my horrible sleeping habits, and chastise myself for being such a bad student this semester.

And then, I read this. I've been a secret admirer of LVP for a few months now, mostly to gaze at the foods that I will probably never have the nerve to make (or even eat). The recipes, the NYC nightlife, and sharing thoughts with another post-bacc student are so indulgent that I look forward to reading every day, but in all honesty I find it hard to implement much of this into my personal lifestyle. But today... today's post spoke to me.

I've been thinking for a while now that it was probably really stupid to start my diet plan in October because I've had to face the challenge of navigating weight loss through my birthday, my entire family's birthdays, Thanksgiving, finals week, Christmas, New Years, and my winter vacations (yes, plural... because I like making things difficult on myself).

My birthday was a huge setback because I had only been exercising for a week and I hadn't yet figured out portion control, and of course I celebrated with a meal at HuHot (unlimited, no less). Thanksgiving felt so out of control because I didn't know how to incorporate exercise away from home; finals week is turning out to be a shit show. And now with tomorrow's and Sunday's Christmas parties looming, I just don't know what to do.

But the point remains: it's the holidays, it's the most wonderful time of the year! I have been blessed with two families, one to share Hanukkah with and the other that celebrates Christmas. In the spirit of giving and the tradition of the festival of lights, I must remember to be thankful and learn to relinquish my anxieties surrounding the opulence of the season.

This weekend, I'm going to partake in heavy drinking. I'm going to have cookies and pie and delicious foods. If I have time to exercise, I will be thankful. If not, I will still be thankful.



Last night after work, I went down to the fitness center at midnight. I was all wound up and anxious and unfortunately my attention span only lasted the length of two miles. But I definitely got the most out of those two miles. Because of my sleeping mishap yesterday my meals got jumbled up, and at 1am I realized I was hungry. I'm sure my body thought it was dinner time, so I fixed a plate of nachos. I stayed up until 4am and I awoke at noon -- my body did NOT like waking up to a stomach full of nachos.

Can I just say... I am sooooo fucking happy that tonight is the last night of torture. I would like my life back.

sometimes it hurts instead.

I stayed up until 4am not studying... I had every intention to study, but boyfriend kept me company in the office and he's like my best friend which means I go no work done. He left at 2am, and for two hours I did... who knows. It was a colossal waste of time.

I set 3 alarms and I had boyfriend call me to make sure I would get up this morning. In my sleep, I had a fully formed argument why it would be better for me if I just slept all day. So I did exactly that. I stayed in bed until 2pm, at which point I decided to start getting ready for another long night at work.

Not only did I eat 2 pieces of pizza at stay up until 4am...
I slept until 2pm and skipped studying AND the gym..
... I also weighed myself.

I am all kinds of messed up today. I don't know what it is about finals week that makes me throw out all my structure and lose motivation.

If there's any good news in this story, it's that I still weigh 269. And I slept really well so I am well rested to get my power study on tonight. I also decided that I'm hitting the gym after work. Let's face it, if I'm going to be up until 2am anyhow, I might as well be exercising rather than conducting random Google searches.



I slept through lunch/breakfast so I was especially mindful of packing foods for work. I brought some vanilla yogurt, apple, pomegranate, orange, turkey sandwich on wheat with one slice of pepper jack, and a small ziplock of Doritos (it's just not finals without junk food), water and green tea. I got to work ravenous so I set to cubing an apple to throw into my yogurt. A man I know very well came into the lobby and watched me as I cut my apple and he said, "That's a lot of work for a small piece of fruit." Oh, if only he had seen me seed the pomegranate yesterday.

But it got me thinking: sure, it's true that I could have skipped the knife work and just taken a bite from the apple, but there's something SO SATISFYING about having your food exactly the way you want it. I love taking a spoon of yogurt and finding little nuggets of apple stuck in there to give me a wet, juicy crunch as I eat.

I love finding new ways to love food.

ok okay, I swear this is my last post today.

On June 16, I had lost 2 pounds from my initial weight of 292. At that point, I calculated my BMI to be 42.8.

Today, December 13, I have lost 23 pounds from my initial weight. I calculated my BMI at 39.7.

I found this on the HuffPost. The first few paragraphs might as well have been written by me (even down to the excessive use of parentheses)! I teared up a little knowing that someone else feels and thinks EXACTLY the same way that I do... and she succeeded in her weight loss journey.

I've been reading her running blog and it inspired me to take the plunge. I haven't signed up yet (cuz Vegas is making me broke and I'd rather save the money until after we return), but I fully intend to run the UIVA 5k on March 31. That gives me enough time to break in a new pair of shoes and learn how to work the pavement (let's be honest... machines have been spoiling me).

I have 114 days to learn how to run outside. I already know that my legs and heart can handle 3+ mile stretches, so it's just a matter of registering and doing it. DO IT.

thoughts on dieting.

Now that I'm a whole whopping 23 pounds lighter, more and more people are starting to notice the changes. I keep getting asked "how do you do it?" and the answer is: no extraordinary means.

I would like to make it abundantly clear, in case it wasn't before, that I AM NOT ON A DIET.

As far as exercising goes, I commit myself to 35 minutes of cardio EVERY SINGLE DAY (more if I'm feeling good, less if I really can't go longer). If I have a serious time crunch, I'll take one or two days off per week. But I almost always make up for it by doing an hour of Pilates at home. The point is, exercising has to be a constant part of my reality regardless of what weight I'm at.

But back to the food thing, that's the part that troubles people the most. Today, I was given leftover pizza at work and my coworker suggested that I eat the taco pizza instead of the all meat pizza because the taco has more veggies on it. I looked at her funny and told her, "as far as food goes, I eat whatever I want... as long as I go to the gym." And that, my friends, is the truth. I went with the taco pizza in the end because I just appealed to my tastes at the time, but under no circumstances would I consider the limp, warm lettuce on top to be a serving of vegetables. I had one slice of pizza for lunch and I plan to have another slice for dinner, and not once am I going to feel guilty about it.

Don't get me wrong, a person cannot survive off pizza alone. But pizza is what I have today and I'm feeling particularly indulgent, so pizza is on the menu. Before my workout today I ate an apple, just because I sounded yummy. Now, I am snacking on some vanilla yogurt and I tossed in the arils from a small pomegranate (currently on sale for $0.69 each). I'm not eating yogurt because I believe it to be healthy, I am eating yogurt because I find it delicious. And the pomegranate was a special treat to myself! Since they're such a seasonal item, I look forward to this time of year to partake in their blood-red seedy goodness.

I truly enjoy and crave apples and pomegranates and yogurt and green tea (I'm sipping on a cup now). I am NOT forcing myself to like them out of some misguided perception that I should eat them because they're healthy. It's also true that I love and crave things like pizza and milkshakes and pumpkin pie. And that's okay too! But when it comes to those foods, they feed my soul more than they feed my body.

Above all, I must constantly remind myself: NO EXTRAORDINARY MEANS. I am proud of the 23 pounds of progress I have made, and I'm looking forward to the next 23 pounds and everything after that. But this will be an ongoing, lifelong process that I must learn to love, because if I hope to have any success, I'll need to do this forever.

I don't take "forever" to be a life sentence. I think of it as a challenge.

i'm gonna be a supermodel.

I was laying in bed trying to decide if it was possible for me to cram before my final exam and have time to exercise. But to be honest, I wasn't really interested in exercising.

With it being finals week, I resigned myself to being in a time crunch and I accepted that I would have to sacrifice something. Sleep would not be on the chopping block. I finally convinced myself to leave the warm comfort of the bed to take care of my morning bathroom business... and to weigh myself. Just out of curiosity. I wasn't expecting any news.

Stepping on the scale TWICE just to confirm... 269.

I am jumping around ecstatically, enthused for my next workout (once I find my pants). SERIOUSLY?!?! The other day I was thinking it would be a long hard journey until I saw the 60s before Christmas.

To think that I am just ten pounds away from seeing the 50s... oh jesus. MAD EXCITED.


A vow to myself:

I never want to see my weight be 27X ever again. EVER. AGAIN.

You will not weigh yourself again before Friday, just to be sure this sticks.

You will be proud of yourself, and remember this day forever.

You will appreciate how momentous this is, knowing that you did the work ALL BY YOURSELF.

And lastly, you will enjoy the rewards of hard work! Starting with better heath! Better looks. And BETTER CLOTHES :)


I love me. I am amazing.

ask me what i'm thinking 'bout.

Weighed in at 271. I seriously don't know if I'm proud or disappointed.

Proud, because I went crazy at Red Lobster, and I was really lazy this weekend.

Disappointed, because I should have known better and worked harder.

Let's go with proud, because I would really like to come out of this weight loss thing with intact self-esteem.

Thursday was boyfriend's birthday (did I talk about this already?). I didn't work out, in fact we laid in bed all day. We had endless soup, salad, and chips at Chili's for lunch and then I made battered shrimp and smashed potatoes for dinner.

Friday I didn't have time to work out or even pack food for work. I ended up having 2/3 of a small pit stix and an orange for dinner.

Saturday we slept in late, I woke up and made quesadillas for lunch. I made a whole stack thinking I would eat two of them, but then boyfriend ate my share. I made another quesadilla for myself, half of which I gave to him because he was making starving puppy eyes at me. Truth be told, I'm happy those calories didn't end up on my ass, but neither of us really needed it to begin with.

I was feeling crummy and restless, and when boyfriend asked if I was going to the gym I took it as a suggestion and booked it out the door. It felt wonderful... cabin fever is a bitch. For dinner we celebrated boyfriend's birthday at Red Lobster, we had the parmesan crusted shrimp and crab dip, way too many cheddar biscuits, house salad, and the majority of my seaside shrimp trio.

Sunday we had breakfast burritos consisting of huevos con chorizo and potatoes. I should have stopped at one burrito, but I was so impressed that boyfriend made huevos con chorizo all by himself that I took an extra spoonful. Boyfriend set the crockpot for chile colorado and I just knew that I would have trouble controlling my urges, so we went to the gym together. I did three miles in 32:40, my first mile in 10:54. I was booking it AND IT FELT SOOOO GOOD. I set my playlist to a Britney Spears shuffle and got to work and I have to say... that shit is motivational.

I've been much more consistent with the Diamox, I don't know how it got so bad but I'm happy to say I'm back at the regular. It helps me more, I can feel it, plus I do like the water pill properties. After the bathroom this morning the scale was steady at 271. This is going to be a rough week with work being so different and finals and blah blah blah. Blah. That's how I feel about this week.

26X before Christmas. I CAN DO IT.

no sleep til brooklyn.

It's been almost exactly six months since I first came to see my ophthalmologist That first week was scary and crazy because there seemed to be a rush to get me treated ASAP (although, all my physicians did their best to hide the urgency from me... AND I APPRECIATE IT). Dr Thompson was never meant to be my primary specialist, I only needed confirmation from her before heading over to see a neurologist, so we never discussed things like treatment plans or anything long-term. It was just a hustle and bustle at the time trying to get me to the right specialist.

When I last saw Dr Thompson in June she didn't say anything about a follow-up, it was the ladies at Dr Stern's office that scheduled me for a 3 month check-up which was subsequently cancelled without any explanation to me. During my last visit with Dr Stern she informed me that I should be seeing Dr Thompson at least twice a year; this happened in November, exactly 5 months since my last ophthalmology appointment.

So today I had my second visit with Dr Thompson. Due to an alarm clock issue this morning I woke up late and opted for my glasses instead of contact lenses and they took advantage of that during my exam. There was the routine background questions, then a standard vision exam, then I received wretched eye numbing drops for a pressure test. After that I had the visual field exam, and they dilated my eyes. When I finally got to speak with Dr Thompson, she came into the exam room with this giant smile on her face. The results of my visual field exam came back, and I am happy to say that my blind spots are back to normal! It is SIGNIFICANT how much it has changed in the last six months, I almost wish I had copies of the visual field chart because I'm so proud. On top of that, the swelling in my right eye is 100% gone and the left eye has just a tiny bit, but the doc said it's nothing to worry about since I initially presented with worse swelling in the left. She says she expects it to go away with a few more months on the Diamox.

In addition to this wonderful, wonderful news, she also told me that I will only need to see her once a year from now on, and if things stay the same I won't have to do the visual field exam or have my eyes dilated. She said it was incredible how fast my eyes recovered and she wished me a Merry Christmas.

Merry fucking Christmas, indeed.



Yesterday was boyfriend's birthday, and coincidentally also my day off from work. I thought I would have the day to myself getting his dinner prepared and have time left to clean, study, groom, and exercise. Well, he played hookey which completely derailed my plans and I accomplished absolutely nothing from my to-do list.

I didn't workout yesterday, I didn't study, I didn't clean, hell... I didn't even shower. And the nice ass dinner I had planned... SCRAPPED. Boyfriend decided he wanted breaded shrimp which I haven't made in two years because it's a pain in the ass and because I really don't approve of having fried foods like, ever.

And today, I'm scrambling with the few hours I have before work to get shit done and there's no time to eat properly or shower or workout. It's times like this I kinda wish I was single.

Which begs the question... how do married people do it? I'd like to think of myself as an individual while simultaneously being one half of this romantic entity, but these ideas can be in conflict at times. So how does the individual-me tell the 1/2-me (and by extension, 1/2-boyfriend) that individual's needs are important too?

I'm having a time management issue that's being complicated by a prioritizing issue. FML.

8 things for Wednesday.

1. I don't like the idea of being "sick," and by that of course I'm referring to my chronic illness. I would do anything to be rid of this so I don't have to explain to people why I carry water bottles with me everywhere and the reason behind my aversion to carbonated and alcoholic beverages. And my anxiety about having to know EXACTLY where the bathroom is located everywhere I go (that's the worst).

2. No one tells you that losing weight makes you sleepy. They'll tell you that it's hard, that it's slow, that it takes time, that you have to keep at it, but no one fuckin' says that falling asleep at 7pm is perfectly normal when you're burning serious calories at the gym. I've exhausted Google search for answers and it's a wonder there aren't more hypochondriacs in this country because my inquiries into the source of my tiredness (note: NOT exhaustion) could very easily lead me to believe that I'm depressed, I have a thyroid condition and cancer... all at the same time.

3. I'm so tired today I don't even remember if I took my pills this morning. I think I did? I had the same problem yesterday... although I'm starting to believe that I accidentally doubled up on a dose yesterday which wasn't entirely a problem since I accidentally skipped the previous night's dose. But I definitely took my 3 pills last night, so if I already took 2 pills this morning then taking another 2 would send me over the edge and I really don't want that right now. What to do?

4. Boys are dumb.

5. To elaborate on #4 (yes, it needs to have TWO bullet points): seriously, what is wrong with men? I feel like I have an easier time communicating with my dog sometimes, it's always small words and simple instructions and even then I'm not sure the message is getting through.

6. Food affects me more than ever now. I actually kind of love it. This morning I wasn't hungry, but then when I did become hungry I reached for the cranberry juice instead. A cup of juice alone got me from from 6 to 9am, at which point I grabbed for the cereal. I was feeling a bit sluggish, so I had a banana and now I want to climb on everything. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant last night for fajitas and I overindulged -- not stuffed, but I knew I should have stopped sooner than I did. It kept me up ALL NIGHT (and by that I mean 11pm, which is hella late for me). I finally get the concept of food=energy.

7. I couldn't shake the BLAH so I had a friend bring me hot chocolate at work, which made me realize that my friends are AWESOME. I will certainly be paying for that hot chocolate later at the gym, but for now I'm happy with the artificial feeling of warmness that I'm getting to experience from it.

8. There is no replacement for sleep. None. And I desperately need some right about meow.

FTN.

My momma always told me I was stubborn. If it was something I should do, I didn't do it. I'm not a team player, I don't like rules, I don't like being told what to do. If there's a way to outsmart, argue, fight, or trick my way out of something, I'll find it.

I have a bad habit of making things purposely (and sometimes unnecessarily) difficult for myself, most of the time just to prove a point. Even if you take me down kicking and screaming, I never lose a fight.

So I'm sure you can imagine how incredibly difficult it was for me to read this post. So now there's a creed, a vow to one's self to take it lying down. How thoroughly disappointing. Over my dead body will I allow myself to believe that this is a way of life. FTN.

If I'm going to have a bad day, it's because I MADE it a bad day. Because I ate badly or because I cheated myself on sleep or because I pushed myself too hard at work or at the gym. If it's going to be bad, I want to have a hand in it. The same goes with the good days. I can't possibly believe that "good" days are random gifts bestowed to us by faeries, or that "bad" days are a stroke of bad luck. It's good because I made it good, it's bad because I made it bad.

So my stupid brain condition, FTN. The side effects from my medication, FTN. Work, school, gym, personal drama... FTN. I, and I alone, decide how this plays out. Today's a good day, BECAUSE I SAID SO.

(FTN stands for "fuck that noise," in case you were wondering.)

tuesday newsday.

1. I came into work absolutely ravenous. Normally when I get that feeling, I would eat everything in sight. Today, I grabbed a few squares from my container of Life cereal and the RAWR-hunger-monster went away. I was SO HUNGRY I thought I was going to pass out, and now I'm struggling to finish the rest of my cereal. YAY!

2. I normally wait until Thursdays to weigh myself because it's my day off from work so I have the opportunity to sleep in and have a good BM before I hop on the scale (which is not always the case on days when I work). I've been hella curious and I just couldn't wait for Thursday, so I weighed myself before showering today. 271.5 is the good news for Tuesday :) Just a few days ago I was panicking that I wouldn't see 26X before Vegas, and now it's within reach! I think two pounds in the next week is totally reasonable and now I'm crazy motivated to get this done.

3. Yesterday at work some representatives from the new Jimmy John's stopped by to give us samples of their most popular subs. I was the only person here at the time so I took the stack for myself. It was pretty awesome packing my food this morning because all I had to do was grab one of the little packages from the fridge and add a side. It's the little things like that that make me happy.

4. With today's weigh-in, I can officially say that I have lost 20 pounds. To be more precise, it's TWENTY-POINT-FIVE! That being said, I have lost half the weight I gained since meeting my boyfriend. The last time I was at this weight was early 2010 and I am not sad to see it gone. I'm excited for the next twenty pounds, and everything after that! A friend posted some pictures on Facebook from the last tailgate a MONTH ago and I can already see the difference between then and now (ten pounds). I would like to see 267 by Christmas.

5. My appointment with Dr Thompson is set for Friday morning. I'm a little nervous only because I want things to go well. She's not in charge of my treatment, but I know that what she scribbles in my chart makes a huge different in terms of Dr Stern's plan, and I only have two months to make progress before seeing Dr Stern again. I can do this... I can do this.

6. Dinner last night was chicken and broccoli stirfry. It's one of boyfriend's favorite dishes so I try to limit the chicken and stuff as much veggies in the wok as possible. It's not inherently unhealthy, but we serve it with white rice and that's where things get carried away.

For today:
Life cereal, skim, banana.
Jimmy John's sample sandwich, celery and carrots.
Vanilla yogurt, apple, orange for snacks.

something kinda funny (28 days).

Exactly four weeks until Vegas. I am crazy, CRAZY excited.

We couldn't watch the Steelers game at home because it wasn't airing on any of the channels we get, so I met boyfriend at Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. I showed up late and starving, so I ordered a dozen traditional wings and I took nibbles from boyfriend's nachos. I never felt stuffed, but I knew I had overeaten.

I felt gross and lazy and it caused me to take an unnecessary nap for two hours. When it came to be dinner time, I was nowhere close to hungry so we pushed back the cooking. When we did finally decide to eat it was a lighter dinner consisting of brats and fries. I still felt gross and groggy so at 10pm I went to the gym expecting some relief.

Almost immediately after starting on the elliptical I felt this tightness in my chest that would not go away for the entire 35 minutes I spent on the machine. Between that and increasing to resistance level 3, I allowed myself to carry at a slower than usual pace (56-60 RPM) and even then I couldn't catch my breath. At most my heart rate was at 147 (actually, spent most of the time closer to 140) but I just couldn't seem to get any rhythm to my huffing and puffing. Once I got off the machine there was a horrible stitch in my side that didn't leave for a good ten minutes and I felt generally woozy.

Most of the mucus from my head cold has traveled to my chest, leaving me with this dry cough that highlights my temporarily diminished lung capacity. I seriously hope this doesn't last long because I'm almost certain I shouldn't be exercising like this.



In other worldly news:

We finally went grocery shopping this weekend. We got a ton of goodies that make me excited about cooking and putting meals together.

Today I brought:
Vanilla almond crunch cereal, 1 banana, 1 cup skim.
Turkey and smoked pepperjack on 100% whole wheat, side of carrots
Apple and orange and loads of water.

I'm struggling to finish my cereal and I haven't even touched my banana. I also haven't had a proper poop in days, I wonder if it's related?

it's the best time of the year.

I had an entire Milio's sub sandwich for lunch/dinner on Friday. I felt really bad about it coming off of such a great workout. I thought for sure it was going to do bad things on the scale.

Saturday morning after my morning bathroom habit, I stepped on the scale: 273! I wasn't sure if it was a fluke so I decided to keep it under wraps, but today the scale said the same thing (despite a Rice Krispy Treat binge)!

I feel like I haven't been the best about eating, but then I wonder if that's just me being too hard on myself. I can't really tell either way.

I couldn't sleep last night so I did an hour of Pilates. It's been almost two weeks and it felt amazingly good. I still wasn't tired after that, so I dug up an old book I kept from my Pilates class in college for some light reading. My DVD skips/replaces a lot of the moves I had come to hate from my college class, but there they were, staring me straight in the face from the pages of the book. Most of the moves are never/far far far away, but I definitely intend to start incorporating the Teaser, at least for benchmarking purposes.

So there we have it, folks. 273 and rockin' it.

il y a des problems.

#1. I did 4 miles on the elliptical today. I wanted to go for 5, but I was short on time. My 4 mile workout was way too easy, and this is why:

#2. My cold is subsiding. I brought a box of tissues on the machine again and I only had to blow my nose three times in 45 minutes. This is wonderful news.

#3. My workout is becoming too easy. If it hadn't been for work, I would have done a full hour. The last time this happened, I realized I needed to step it up a level in resistance. So for my last half mile, I worked at level 3.

#4. Level 3 is a tad more challenging, but I hardly noticed since I only did half a mile at that resistance. Goal for the week: level 3 until Sunday, level 4 on Monday.

#5. Last time we went to Las Vegas we stayed at MGM Grand. I wasn't into exercising then so I only glossed over the information regarding the fitness room, but I distinctly remember that access for registered guests was free. This next trip, we're staying at Mirage. Now that I do care about exercising, I find out that this hotel charges $25 a day for registered guests. Yeah... fuck that. If we hadn't already planned our entire trip, I might have insisted we change our reservations. But thankfully we won't be in Vegas long so I'm just going to hope that walking on The Strip will provide enough exercise until we get to Los Angeles, where our hotel DOES include free use of the fitness center.

#6. Took 500mg of Diamox at 2pm. I can't say I can tell that anything is different, but I'm sure I'll have something to say about it after taking the 750mg dose later tonight.

owner of a lonely heart (31 days).

We have exactly ONE MONTH until we land in sunny Las Vegas, NV. In fact, thirty-one days from this very moment, I'll be sitting on a plane with ants in my pants. Where did the time go?

The significance of today is obvious: it's been weeks since I've lost any weight... granted, that did include Thanksgiving and a really nasty cold so it's easy to see how self-indulgence may have played a role in this conundrum. This means that in the next 31 days, I have to step it up to stay on schedule to reach my goal.

My goal? Thanks for asking. I've decided I'm tired of the 270s. So my official goal for the next 31 days is to have my weight read 26X. Don't really care what the X is. 9 is acceptable, 5 would be great.

It's much easier managing weight loss in terms of tens. 10% total body weight loss is a good long term goal (it was 29 lbs when I started... 17 of which I have already lost). 10 pounds breaks things up into convenient little steps so I'm not overwhelmed thinking about exactly how much I really have to lose in the long run.

Thinking ahead a little further, I want to see 25X for my next appointment with Dr Stern in February. I think two months is plenty of time, non?



Notes on life:

I haven't taken Diamox in days. My last dose was 500mg early on Wednesday morning. It was a mix of conscious efforts and just plain losing my mind. I was having a really hard time staying hydrated, so for my health I thought it best to ditch the diuretic. No worries, I'm starting again today.

Yesterday I was feeling especially shitty. I had the day off from work so I parked myself on the couch with two blankets and the first Harry Potter book and napped between chapters. Nothing was helping to improve my sense of well being, so I had the genius idea to go hot tubbing! I did 2 miles on the elliptical first (the time goes by so fast when you're chatting with a friend!) and then I jumped in the hot tub for some serious body rejuvenation. It seemed to be EXACTLY what I needed.

Today I'm feeling better, I definitely slept better and my stuffy nose is not-so-stuffy anymore. Knock on wood, I hope this is the end of it. Goal for today: 4 miles on the elliptical (NOT time dependent). I just want to see myself do it.

31 days til Vegas, 34 days til L.A.