what a world, what a life.

212.5!

Holy shit.

I made a promise to myself that there would be no Easter candy eaten this weekend.

Gym time... and Green Day in concert tonight!

the feeling that you can't go on.

213.5 on this beautiful Tuesday morning! Don't mind my good mood... I'm thrilled because I'm pretty sure we saw our last snow of the season yesterday. SPRINGGGGG!

I am 14 pounds away from wonderland (one-derland?). But also, I'm four pounds away from my weight starting 20_. I'm so excited my head is spinning.

Getting the elliptical this weekend was 100% for boyfriend; in fact, there were bits (okay, ALL) of me that thought this was a bad idea. I didn't want to lose my gym buddy (selfish, I know) and I had concerns that boyfriend's gym routine would not translate to a "home routine." But, I remembered how our individual weight loss journeys started and I came to a great conclusion (really, I knew the answer all along): I can't worry about him, I can only worry about me. So there you have it, I'm focused on me. That being said, I had a kickass workout at the gym after work yesterday and later in the night I spent another 30 minutes on the elliptical. Just because I could. And if I can be totally honest, it felt hella good.

Two days in and I can already telly you that it's absolutely amazing hopping on at any moment. It seems like such a waste to prep for the gym just to do 30 minutes, but it's not a big deal at all when it's inside your own home. There will be many more 30 minute elliptical sessions in my future... which is good, cuz I have 14 pounds to lose.

FOURTEEN OMG.

i can't believe.

WEEKEND ROUNDUP! Kinda. (There are a lot of words today and I sorta apologize for that. Not really)

• There's soooo much politicking on TBL Season 11. It seems like things were so friendly and harmonious on Season 14 (except for Gina omg) that the strife between the S11 contestants really gives me hypertension. Also, I was dreaming about the show and I realized how absolutely ridiculous the show's premise is. I know these are real people doing real things in real gym, but they're also characters on a show. Important things to keep in mind.
• WE GOT AN ELLIPTICAL! It's a Precor 546 commercial grade elliptical. I don't know if it's more awesome or dangerous that it's sitting in my living room, calling my name every minute of every day. Awesome because: I spent 90 minutes working out yesterday and the time flew by like nothing; dangerous because: I pay a lot for a gym membership, and I really should be running and lifting weights too. MODERATION BRO, MODERATION.
• Lifting a 200+ pound of machinery up into a car, down from said car, up a flight of stairs, up another flight of stairs, through three rooms and a hallway, and then realizing it won't fit through the doorway and having to turn the piece of machinery back through the hallway into another room... yeah. ALL THAT. That's a great fucking workout. It's been two days, I cleaned out way too much Tylenol, and I'm still body-tired (body-tired is a thing, okay?).
• I saw some Lauren Conrad style video this weekend and I learned how to do a fishtail braid. This is probably the third or fourth practical thing I've learned from the internet IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I've been internetting since... 7 or 8 years old. I'm 26. That's pretty effing sad. And don't tell me about some shit recipe, or shit craft project, or shit whatever you found on Pinterest. PRACTICAL SKILLS, not gimmicks. If you don't do it every day, I'm judging your source material. PRACTICAL SKILLS. I learned how to braid, suck it.
• In addition to our very awesome elliptical, UI Surplus had a stock of $10 Nike sports bras and $5 Dri Fit shirts. For some reason, wearing black and gold at the gym puts me in a bitching good mood. PLUSSS... (I'm totally eating my words on this here) I am a Dri Fit convert. For serious, that material will change your life workout. For the longest time I was trying to convince myself that cotton was okay under certain circumstances. No. Just... no. I have enough to worry about when I'm doing sprints on the treadmill, I don't need to be thinking about sweating through my shirt on top of it all. DRI FIT FOR THE WIN.
• Oh yeah. Also. YES. THAT. Sweating through your shirt. Here's how I feel about sweat at the gym: I don't trust you if you're not sweating. My theory is, if you're not sweating you're not working hard enough. Unless you're one of those freaks with freaky non-functioning sweat glands, then you're okay (but you should probably wear a name tag or else I WILL judge you). Full disclosure: I sweat like crazy. I dress minimally at all times (year-round shorts or capri leggings, almost always tanks sometimes short sleeve shirts) and even STILL I sweat like mad. I have no shame about my under-boob sweat, it's just more proof that I had an awesome workout and you look like a dick flexing your muscles in the mirror. DO SOME CARDIO, or at least lift enough weights to break a sweat. Dick bag.
• These days, I wear really small clothing sizes (okay, that's a lie... but the numbers feel small to ME and I don't care if you're judging because you're probably a whore) but it wasn't that long ago that I seriously struggled with dressing myself. This tumblr had me on the floor crying in hysterics. If you aren't/weren't an overweight female you probably won't understand, in which case skip this bullet point and move on with your life. But if you find yourself qualifying under the parameters of "overweight" and "female" and "broke" (or, maybe just "not wealthy") you'll understand what a bitch it is to find cute stuff that isn't stupid expensive. Because clothing manufacturers seem to think that fat = ugly, and... well, fuck them.
• Lately I've been giving a lot of thought about my possible hypocrisy on the subject of weight loss. I only say "hypocrisy" because I think I might unintentionally be giving off that vibe? I certainly don't mean to do it on purpose. Here's the thing: I love myself. I've loved myself since... forever. This girl doesn't have self-esteem issues. Not at 292 pounds, not now, and definitely not anything in between. I know that my weight isn't my worth, but. Here's a big but here (HAHAHAH pun): there were times I felt bad about myself AND I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT WAY. There were times I was desperate to be skinny, there were times I did desperate things, there were times that I just didn't give a fuck, and there were times when I was completely at peace with the state of things. No one ever said that feelings were consistent. The media has played into my issues in ways I cannot even begin to fathom, but it's pretty obvious that we have a prevalent anti-fat culture that is shaming overweight people without offering solutions, instructions, guidance, or support. It's awful. That being said, I have Victoria's Secret catalogs stacked in my bathroom. My lingerie drawers are stocked exclusively with VS products (and my Nike unmentionables)... not because I want to be a VS model, not because I aspire to look like them, but because I like their shit. There, I said it. I LIKE VICTORIA'S SECRET. That doesn't make me a bad woman or an anti-feminist. Plus, Alessandra Ambrosio has no right to criticize my body any more than I have a right to criticize hers. She's a beautiful girl, I'm a beautiful girl. It's called coexisting. If you have a problem with how small she is, get the fuck over it. When it comes to judging and expressing opinions about other women, here's a tip to ladies everywhere: GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Worry about yourself, I promise there's enough shit there to occupy your time forever. The skinny-girl-of-the-day, whether it be a famous person, or your neighbor, or yourself, she's no more or less a woman than the girl with "curves." PS - what the fuck is with this obsession with curves anyway? Some girls have boobs, some don't. Some girls have hips, some don't. Some girls have butts, some don't. Some are lucky and have it all, and others are perfect in their own way. I can like the Biggest Loser (even though I kinda don't, cuz I have serious issues with their methods) and I can like skinny models and pretty lingerie and I can be a size 12 with full hips and a nice bust, and if you're judging... you have too much time on your hands and I feel sorry for you. Take your shit elsewhere cuz I've got other things to worry about.
• This weekend was pretty awesome. The pizza I had for dinner last night was pretty awesome. I'm pretty awesome. Deal with it.

where there was weakness i found my strength.

Can't even contain this:

214.0 on the scale this morning and I have no words.

I'm watching The Biggest Loser Season 11 (Couples 4) and here's what I think so far:

• I have so much hate for Dan, Don, Arthur, and Rulon. CUT THE SHIT. Other people could have been there in your place. Rude.
• I don't like the Trainer Tips, they're just sponsored spots by food companies that I wouldn't touch even if it was free.
• I think I saw this right, god I hope I saw it wrong. Their daily caloric intake is around 1000??? That's not real. I can't even.
• I heard Jillian Michaels say, "spinning shoes off, running shoes on." Umm... people who wear real shoes, is that shit fo' reals? Vibram for the win.

when you want it the most.

This post sponsored by Precor. No, not really (but in all seriousness, if Precor wants to sponsor me I'm ALL FOR IT). This is entirely my opinion, and it's a strong opinion because I have mad love for the brand and everyone needs to know about it.

Our usual gym (HTRC) closed yesterday afternoon for a few hours to upgrade the cardio equipment. I was really excited at the prospect of new equipment because WHO DOESN'T LOVE NEW STUFF? Exactly. The newest gym on campus, CRWC, is stocked mostly by Life Fitness and Precor... I'd say it's a pretty even split. We figured since those brands were in the newest facility, then that would probably mean that our little ol' gym would be getting the same (or one of the two). Which is cool... I started running on Life Fitness treadmills and I loved that experience, and obviously right now I'm in a passionate love affair with Precor. We thought it would be a 50/50 shot between the two which is a WIN for us no matter what.

Oh god.

Grumpy Cat called this one. I don't know how the decision was made, who was contacted, who got to share an opinion, who signed off on this... basically, everyone involved sucks and I'm mad at them. I was bubbling with excitement going to the gym today. I enthusiastically paid another month of dues at the check-in desk and then I turned around to check out the gloriousness of the new equipment and my heart stopped beating.

Matrix.

WHO. THE EFF. DECIDED ON MATRIX? Really, all I want to know is WHERE this decision came from... because the University has had a pretty strong track record of using Precor/Life Fitness at all their other facilities, I want to know what happened that all of a sudden we're moving to Matrix. That would have been nice to know BEFORE I plunked money down on another month.

I was already at the gym so I felt pretty silly turning around and walking out, plus I legitimately wanted to give this a try. All the treadmills are now Matrix T7xe and I want you to know that I think the technology is REALLY FANCY. I didn't put it together before today, but we had ONE of these machines tucked in the corner of the gym before the upgrade, they must have been "testing" it over the course of the last few months. Once I had the misfortune of having to run on it because it was the only free treadmill available and it lasted all of two minutes before I quit. I should have known then.

Without giving an official review, this is what I think:

It was quiet and sturdy. I'm not the lightest chick, so I definitely notice the pounding of my body on the machines and this one was solid... so a plus in that category.

The screen/ledge scenario, whatever you want to call that. HOT MESS. I'm a tall girl so I need things to be pretty high up to be on my level. The touch screen, the user controls, the spot for my water bottle and other accessories are all placed at waist-level on my body and that was really awkward and made for an uncomfortable run. FAIL.

I don't do pre-set programs... ever. I'm a control freak and I need to know what's coming at all times so pre-sets will never help me, the really nifty features on this machine are of no use to me and that's sad.

The Nike+iPod capability WOULD BE cool... except not. Maybe it's just a personal thing, but I don't track treadmill miles on my iPod. And also, I like to watch my iPad when I run indoors... which brings me to my next point. That stupid touchscreen monitor. OMG. WHYYYY isn't there a feature to turn it off or sleep it during a run? THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE.

The incline/speed buttons (ACTUAL buttons) in addition to the touchscreen controls were a REALLY nice touch and saved me from quitting this workout at the onset, but I had a huge HUGE HUGE issue during my run. I'm not sure if this was a problem with my particular machine or if it's a programming bug that I need to worry about on all the machines, but here's what happened:

I run on a steady incline of 1.0 which I set at the beginning and don't touch until the last 10 minutes, it's always the first adjustment I make when I start. I pressed the incline button until the display read 1.0, then I got to running. At some point a few minutes in I realized I was having a really hard time getting through it which was weird because it was barely jogging (speed 4.7-4.8). The display was suddenly reading an incline of 2.5. I swear on my life I didn't touch anything in any way to make the incline change that like, the machine did it all by itself.

No problem, I set it back to 1.0 and I found it easy to run again. In the final minutes of my workout, I was puffing along at speed 5.9 and suddenly the belt jerked to a crawling pace and I was barely walking. The display was reading a speed of 1.3, then 1.2, then 1.1. My hands/arms/other extremities were nowhere near any of the controls and I had set the machine to a basic run, so it was NOT programmed to stop or slow at any point (not to mention, I was at 25:49 when this happened). I brought the speed back to 6.0 to finish out the final minutes of my run... less than 20 seconds into it I thought, "damn, this is really hard." Now, running at a 6.0 speed is new for me, but it shouldn't be that hard. Why was it that hard? I asked myself that and then the machine gave me the answer I was looking for: I was actually running at 6.6.

WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS TREADMILL HATE ME SO MUCH?

Seriously. If I set the incline 1.0, IT NEEDS TO STAY AT 1.0. If I set the speed to 5.9, I don't mean for it to go down to 1.1 and then up to 6.6 for no obvious reason. Oh, I'm crazy happy to know that I'm capable of running at a 6.6 speed, but I didn't want that. I specifically brought the speed to 6.0, I clicked EXACTLY to 6.0... NOT 6.6. I cannot run on a treadmill that doesn't react the way I need it to. I don't need my exercise equipment to have a mind of its own, if I wanted to push myself hard I would and I certainly don't need a treadmill taking those decisions from me.

Aside from the annoyance factor, this could have been seriously dangerous. Thankfully I know my body well and I know my limits well so I was able to notice IMMEDIATELY that the incline was off and the speed was off, I'm also a seasoned runner so I didn't go flying off the machine when it abruptly went from running to a slow crawl. I'm thankful that I didn't get hurt, I'm pleased that I finished the workout, and I'm feeling pretty smug for trying something new today.

But for reals, you could not pay me money to run on a Matrix treadmill again any time soon. Whatever this experience was this afternoon, I won't put myself through that again. AWFUL.

I'm heart broken because this gym has switched over to 100% Matrix equipment so we don't even have options, I think I may have had my final workout there today. So long HTRC, thanks for fucking me over. If you had told me last week that our venture over to CRWC would become the prequel to us making it our regular gym, I would have laughed at you. On the one hand, I do love what CRWC has to offer but the parking situation is horrible, and on the other hand I love the convenience of HTRC but I can't use their equipment. It's a pretty shitty predicament, if you ask me.

Boyfriend and I spent a sizable amount of time last night researching our parking options for CRWC and we had almost agreed on purchasing a year-long parking pass (at several hundred dollars, it was hard to be enthusiastic about). But Santa Claus must be looking out for us because we have solid intel that the old machines from our gym are being sold in a public sale at the University Surplus store this weekend. We have a 9am date this Saturday morning in hopes of scooping up a Precor elliptical. I have no idea what it'll cost or where I'll put it if we do bring one home, but it's the most promising option we have right now.

Come home to mama, I love you.

I hate that this even has to be an option, but sub-freezing temperatures in late March (and the same for the 10 day forecast) means that I can't go outside. This sucks so hard... all in the name of being healthy.

there's no easy way out.

This is what I'm rocking at the gym this week. On repeat. Constantly.

The peak of my Celine-mania hit in 1999 when I was 13. I think I've chilled out a bit since then when it comes to my "obsession" (lies, all lies) but I'm still pretty hardcore into it. Celine follows me everywhere. I'm a huuuuuuge fan of this song (it might even be my #1 favorite English Celine song... language matters) and I love it even more when it gets me through tough workouts.

Like today.

Firstly, I tried to go to my regular gym because I was short on time and it's right by my house. Imagine my surprise when I show up to find a sign on the door that says "CLOSED FROM 12-2pm. SORRY." They were upgrading the cardio equipment (AWESOME) but I was still short on time (FML) and dressed for the gym without a gym (FML) and I already fed the meter (FML) and had to drive 3 miles in the other direction (FML) to spend even more money on parking meters (FML). I'm not entirely sure the one AWESOME is awesome enough to outweigh all the FMLs at this point... the jury's still out. I'll give you my verdict tomorrow when I'm less pissed.

Anyhow.

I went to the new rec center downtown which I'm getting pretty accustomed to since we changed scenery over Spring Break... new treadmills definitely spoil you. It was the middle of the day and it was pretty busy which was only worrisome because I had big plans for today's workout. BIG PLANS... and I didn't necessarily want an audience for that. But whatever, take it in stride. I found my favorite Precor treadmill in the sea of Life Fitness and got to work.

I ran at a 6.0

SIX. POINT. ZERO. I've never done that before. I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I did it, I was sweating buckets, I pushed myself so hard, but I did it. I managed to sweat through my dri-fit clothes (ps how is that possible??) and it was gross, but I did it. In case you haven't picked up on this, I'm awesome.

Oh, oh, oh. And I lost half a pound. BOOM.

Lastly... I watched the Biggest Loser Finale tonight... tearsssss galore. I always knew it would be Danni, and I figured Gina would win the at home prize, BUT OH HOLY SHIT LISA. I cried so hard. There was a hole in my life once the episode ended and I decided to start watching old episodes of Season 11 because I heard so many great things about Hannah and Olivia. Not only are they STUNNING ladies, but they're about my height which really piqued my interest since the most current season only had short ladies (S-H-O-R-T) that I couldn't relate to. I don't want to give the impression that I'm complaining about my weight (BECAUSE BEING TALL IS AMAZING) but weight loss is completely different if you're 5'2" compared to 5'9".

I feel on top of the world.

worth it.

Double post Monday, because this is important.

I had the super awesome pleasure (PLEASURE) of working on Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign for President. It was 2007 in Iowa City and our team fought through the very last minute to make an impact at the Iowa Caucuses (see.. I told you I love my state). History will tell you how that ended, but I can tell you that I regret nothing. NOTHING. What a lady.

Her selection as Secretary of State for the Obama Administration felt like a bitter consolation prize that I could barely stand to tolerate, but history will tell you that the role at that time was meant for her. I have been nothing but proud that the work of so many dedicated individuals (to include myself) had vaulted her to such a worldly status, and humbled at how well she served her country.

For the people.

Color-me-disappointed when she decided to step down as Secretary of State (making way for John Kerry, for whom I volunteered in 2004) prompting speculation that she had retired from politics. Whatever her decision is regarding her fate in the public forum, I have to say... I hope she never goes away.

Ever, ever, ever.

I hope history will treat her with the respect she deserves, so that a hundred years from now people will speak of Hillary Clinton the way they do of Susan B. Anthony and the countless other women of that caliber who gave themselves for the sake of our future.

Hilrod 2016.

"Human rights apply to everyone. Gay and Straight."

Politics aside... it's been decades since the Civil Rights Movement, decades since the Women's Rights Movement, and the law has adjusted to protect the rights of women and minorities. But the truth is, the law can't regulate thoughts, and there are still people in this country (and around the world) who believe that it's not okay to be black or brown or whatever, it's not okay to be a woman, it's not okay to be gay.

And to those people... I smile and say a prayer for their souls, because there is a special place in hell for that kind of intolerance.

The reality of life is that you were born to be exactly the way you are. If your skin is dark, you were supposed to be that way. If you have six toes, you were supposed to be that way. I'm not always thrilled with my weight, but I'm a wonderful person and I am supposed to be that way. I could spend a lifetime trying to change other people's minds, but I'd rather spend it on the people who love me for who and what I am.

Brown. Female. Straight.

If you don't like it, go fuck yourself. Or better yet... just worry about your own business.

a wiki wiki mai lohi lohi.

I saw this quote on a blog and I immediately thought, "No. That's not how it goes. Tumblr says differently."

There, better.

I love Pooh Bear (no, that's a lie... I'm a hardcore Tigger fan) and nothing cracks me up harder than stuffed animals/cartoons cussing. I make my stuffed pandas cuss all the time. I'm a little immature like that. So there you have it: a hearty chuckle for this snowy Monday morning.

Yes, snow in March. It is Iowa, after all. I love my state, I truly honestly do, but someday... someday... I'll be on a beach. I've been dreaming of Hawaii lately, probably because of Lilo & Stitch. Disney is a reoccurring thing in my life, in case you haven't noticed.

Okay, business:

We switched up gyms over the weekend because it's Spring Break and we can and it's been super awesome having a different environment (and different equipment) to jump-start our gym efforts because... LET'S BE HONEST, this shit can be monotonous. I love working out, but a large part of our success has come from routine: we go to the same gym at the same time everyday, do the same exercises, we even SEE the same PEOPLE. The most exciting thing that happens is when the student-employees at the desk switch shifts or they change the channels on the televisions that hang in front of the cardio section. See? Boring.

I've been so jazzed by the change in scenery the last few days that I failed to realize that I've gone to the gym six days straight. Before that, I had a 2 day break, and before that I had a 7 day streak at the gym. 7 on -- 2 off -- 6 on is not a good life plan. I am beat.

Except... I didn't know that going into my workout yesterday. I knew I was still full from a late dinner but that usually resolves itself after a few minutes of slow jogging, so I definitely wasn't expecting the wall of defeat that I slammed into with 15 minutes left on my timer. Now would be the standard time to insert a totally predictable picture or quote about not giving up, but fuck that. Seriously. I got as far into my workout as I could before I felt like I was being stabbed in my vital organs, at which point telling myself to "push harder" wouldn't have gotten me anywhere except the floor. I would have passed out, or worse, hurt myself. I don't believe in "fine lines" when it comes to challenge vs injury, I believe the territory between athletic growth and athletic harm is a very broad span and one would do best to take physical warning signs seriously.

No, just dying. Liar.

I felt like I was being stabbed in both kidneys, the stomach, the bottom tip of my right lung, and I could have sworn I grew an extra organ in my gut just so that one could feel like it was being stabbed, too. I wasn't running any faster than I usually do (in fact, it was a pretty slow 5.3 mph), I kept well hydrated, my legs and lungs weren't tired or burning, but my body as a whole decided that this workout was too much. I tried to push harder but I felt faint and nauseous and I followed the signs to slow to walking pace. Believe me, I hurt my soul to give in like that but I didn't see any other way around it. My heart wanted to run, my head wanted to run, but my body was screaming STOP. This is where your desire kicks in and you say, "screw you, body, I CALL THE SHOTS." It would have been a nice relief to jump off the treadmill and call it a day, but I persevered.

Gatorade, you should call me. I would make a great poster girl.

If I couldn't run, I was going to walk. I set the incline to 10.0 (!!) as opposed to my normal 7.5 and walked at a pace of 3.5. I took it all the way down to the final seconds and I owned the rest of my workout until the very end. It felt great to know that I encountered and obstacle and I did not let it win. So here's today's lesson: if you find that an obstacle is keeping you from working out, incorporate that obstacle into a new routine. For whatever reason, I couldn't run. The old me might have taken that as defeat and walked away, but new me made something of it. I walked so fast, so hard, so furiously, I was sweating buckets, breathing as if I had been running, and I made the most of my workout. BECAUSE SOMETHING IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOTHING.

I don't know exactly how to interpret this, but the calorie counter on my treadmill was pretty much the same after this workout as it would have been had I continued running. I know those things aren't exactly accurate, but I have peace in my heart having this tiny bit of confirmation that 1) I didn't quit, 2) walking isn't quitting, and 3) I may have still gotten a full, solid workout in despite problems with my internal organs.

My body's hurting pretty badly, I think I'm due for a rest day. Because I'm worth it. (Maybelline... call me! POSTER GIRL MATERIAL, RIGHT HERE!)

wings to fly.

So last night we missed our usual gym time to watch Iowa take on the Michigan State Spartans in the Big Ten Tournament (gooooood job guys, we're gonna rock the NIT! GO HAWKS!), but boyfriend still wanted to go to the gym.

Get out of my way, I need to get to the gym before it closes.

It was 9:45, our gym closes at 10:30, and I've been rocking the 90 minute exercise routine lately so the math just wasn't adding up. Thankfully, boyfriend reminded us that our University memberships get us into any University gyms. Sometimes I'm dumb like that and forget that this is a campus with many, many buildings. I prefer to hide in my little corner of Iowa City and pretend like the students don't exist.

The Campus Rec and Wellness Center is located right smack in the middle of campus (that's a lie, it's on the peripherals in between the main campus and the west side dorms, but for the purposes of conveying the inconvenience, let's go with "on campus") and we usually avoid it because:
1. It's new, so everyone wants to go there. Ugh.
2. There's a lazy river, so every child wants to go there. Ugh.
3. Parking is limited, which makes it look exclusive, which makes people want to go there. Ugh.
It's really not far from where we live, maybe 2 miles (in fact I've run the distance before) but the Hawkeye Tennis and Rec Center is a two minute drive from where we live and parking is copious and [usually] free so we frequent that place instead. But CRWC is open later, so we took a chance that most of the students had already left town for Spring Break and headed to campus to get our sweat on. I'm not joking when I say this shit is magical, it's three floors of exercise wonderland. Between the rock climbing wall, the lazy river, the indoor track, and the ENTIRE floor of treadmills, you could want for nothing here (plus, smoothie bar + massage parlor + steam rooms and TVs everywhere). It really is pimp. I'm not big on change though, so the switch-up really threw me off my game.

And then I saw the treadmills.

I need.

I started running on Life Fitness equipment so I'm partial to their stuff, but my current gym is equipped by Precor which I also love. I stumbled onto a section that was entirely Life Fitness which I hadn't used in ages and my heart began to race in excitement. But tucked away in a corner all by its lonesome was a special looking fella... the newest model of Precor treadmill. My usual gym is pretty new by most standards as is the equipment, but this treadmill was special. Magical. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to run on this specific treadmill for the rest of my life. I had a splendid 30 minutes of speed training during which time I increased my incline AND speed... like a boss. I could have kept going but I had other things on my agenda: weights and Pilates.

There are three weight lifting areas spread out over the different floors and each section has different equipment. Needless to say, I had no clue what the fuck I was looking for or where it was.

Uuh... I have no idea what I'm doing.

I fumbled my way through two sets on the seated leg press machine (I know, I know, I should be doing squats - judge me), I'm pretty sure I used the wrong kind of dumbbells (I didn't even know there were different types?!) and I'm almost certain I abused and monopolized the use of a particular space usually reserved for foam rolling but it was the only place I felt comfortable doing my Pilates. This is why I can't have nice things.

At the end of my hour+ workout, I was dripping in sweat, hair soaked from scalp to tip, I was tired, I was beat, I was flushed, but I felt stronger, better, and faster for toughing it through and literally leaving my comfort zone. I could get used to change!

OMG. I did it.

So yeah. I rocked at the gym yesterday, and I'm really excited to go again today.

notice me.

I almost cried on the treadmill yesterday but as you know, I kept plugging. I kept going, because the alternative is to quit. And quite simply, quitting is nowhere near being an option.

I kept going, day after day, week after week, it's been months without progress (on the scale at least).

And finally.

Finally.

215.5

I would have been very defeated if the numbers between my toes had been the same as they have been lately, but the truth is I still would have made my date with the gym tonight. I would still keep going. But god damn, the sting of defeat definitely takes the wind out of you.

But that didn't happen to me. I am a winner loser.

make the most of the night.

Somethinggggg very strange happened this afternoon at the gym.

Firstly, I wanted to quit.

I never want to quit. I can almost always talk myself through a bad patch, I tell myself it's temporary, it's worth it, and I think of some image to bring me through whatever obstacle I'm facing. I've conquered many literal hills with this mentality. But today, I could think of nothing but quitting.

I planned how I wanted to quit. I was on the treadmill running at a faster than usual pace, I thought of grabbing the rails, lifting my body and spreading my feet apart to catch the platform and rest. I would give it a minute, turn down the speed, and then resume walking. Maybe even jogging at a slower pace.

I thought it out start to finish. I considered how good it would feel to give my lungs and heart a rest, to allow my legs to float weightless for a moment before I placed the weight of my body on them again. I could almost feel the relief of quitting.

And then Jillian Michaels happened.

I thought of all the contestants on The Biggest Loser and I thought of myself, I thought about how badly I miss the feeling of losing. Clearly I don't miss it bad enough because my months of running and toiling away at the gym have done little to reduce my waistline. [Side note: it's not about how I look or the size of my pants; I have a real medical condition, I see specialists, I take meds, I am sick. This is not okay.] I thought of all the episodes I've watched thinking to myself, "I can do that."

It's true. I CAN DO THAT.

I was dying on the treadmill, but then I remembered Jillian saying, "You're not dying."

I repeated that over and over in my head, practically yelling it inside my scull hoping to drown out all the other thoughts that were keeping me from achieving succes.

I'M NOT DYING. I'M NOT DYING.

It was rough, it was awful. But I finished. I finished it exactly like I had planned to finish. I was sweaty, I was tired, I thought for a second that I might pass out, but I collected my shit and I kept going for round 2 in the weights area.

It was there that phenomenon #2 happened:

My midsection is changing.

Bad laundry planning left me with none of my favorite gym clothes, and a bad experience with a cotton tank (eeewww under-boob sweat) the other day forced me to wear a dri-fit shirt that's usually too small. I put it on without looking in the mirror because I didn't want to have the image of my fat spilling out from my top to ruin my workout, but I had to face my reflection in the weights section against the wall of floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

And it wasn't bad. In fact, it was good.

non-scale victory for the win.

the drums, the drums.

Long night at work means two things: I'm limited to the food I brought with me and/or the food I can buy that's within walking distance, and copious amounts of online TV.

I made good decisions with the food (tomato and avocado salad, apple and almonds, water), but the TV, well... there are some indulgences that are totally worth it.

I started off with The Biggest Loser because that's become a Tuesday ritual (thank you Hulu.com). Can we talk about Danni please? OMG what a rock star! I'm not a huge fan of TBL's format and the lack of transparency bothers the shit out of me, but I can say this much: that girl rocked it. I'm inspired.

I moved from TBL to the premiere of Hell's Kitchen because I heard that the love of my life, Miss Celine Dion, would be making an appearance.

A note to anyone who is thinking of doing something similar:

Do not start out with the second-to-last episode of The Biggest Loser and then switch over to a food-based reality show. OH HOLY SHIT THOSE CONTESTANTS ARE PORKY. I'm not entirely sure what it says about America that we have entire TV channels devoted to food and only a few sporadic shows about healthy living, but WTF. As they say, "never trust a skinny chef." Actually, no. I don't agree with that.

Maybe skinny people are doing it right. All I know is, I'm the hardest working person at the gym and it's no coincidence that I'm probably one of the heaviest. I'd rather eat less than have to punish myself on the treadmill every day. Just saying.

my way, when I say go...

Gym Etiquette.

This timely article brought to you by the folks at the Huff Post. THANKS GUYS.

No, seriously. I'm glad I got to read this over my morning coffee, I was thinking about it throughout the entire weekend after a little, umm.. incident I had on Saturday.

Before I begin, let me preface this a little: I love going to the gym. Boyfriend and I talk about our future home ALL THE TIME: he's desperate to buy an elliptical so that he can exercise at home, and I'm 100% committed to keeping a gym membership. I NEED to have someplace to go outside the house, I can be extremely unmotivated sometimes but the simple act of dressing to go somewhere really starts my engine. I'm weird like that. In addition to that, I LOVE having options. I absolutely love running but it can be monotonous sometimes so I heart having other activities to choose from. Options keep things spicy for me, and I like the excitement. It's a great way to bait myself into doing something undesirable; for example: I'm speed training on the treadmill (which REALLY sucks) but I tell myself, "If you do this, you get to lift weights." I like mixing in other activities as little "treats" and I really DO look forward to weight lifting days, I'm sure I could stock a home gym with a treadmill, elliptical, and weights, but let's be real... it's so much easier to pay gym fees.

So I'm a gym rat. It's my happy place, which is odd because I am a self-admitting non-people person. I don't like to socialize, I don't like to share. But if I'm being honest, I really enjoy the act of people-watching, it's very non-interactive which is good for me but it involves other people which I normally wouldn't seek out. Watching people at the gym is not only a point of fascination for me, it's a source of knowledge too! I watch how other people run, to see what speeds/inclines people use, who's using HIIT, the long lean runners who do 2 miles a day, or the people attempting weight loss plugging away for double-digit miles. I watch the guys lifting weights to see if there are any exercises that I haven't tried, or as a guideline to make sure that I'm using correct form (maybe it's bad assumptions, but I assume the guy with jacked biceps has better form than I do? he must be doing something right). I'm especially interested to see what the GIRLS do in the weight area, lunges and squats weren't on my radar until I saw a UIowa soccer player doing them the other day (damn, she was in good shape). Plus... what people do on the mats? Ugh, don't get me started! I get so excited to see that there's a million different universes filled with endless exercises and I love-love-love to see what other people are doing. Even if I never try something myself, I like playing with the idea. Inspiration = brain food.

With all that being said...

If the gym is busy and you're not sweating balls...

Uh.. yeah. What he said.

On Saturday night, I had to break from my normal routine and go to the gym at peak hours. I knew it was going to be busy, but I prepared myself as best I could because I needed/wanted the workout. When I arrived, ALL the treadmills were being used (a real rarity at our gym, usually we fight for ellipticals). That wasn't the problem. I took issue with the fact that half of the treadmills were being used by walkers. NOW LISTEN UP, before you get jumpy about me hating on walkers: I walk on the treadmill all the time. I do, really. I don't see a problem with it... exceptttt. You'd better be sweating balls. If you're taking a leisurely stroll at peak gym time, GET THE FUCK OFF THE MACHINES. There's Walmart, or grocery stores, or the mall, or fucking outside if all you want is a brisk walk. I have a few requirements for what I consider to be "acceptable" treadmill use for walking:

1. It better be fast.
2. It better be at an incline.
3. You better be there to sweat.

I'm not saying you have to meet all 3 requirements, just one. Just pick one. Apparently that was too much for 3 of the guys on the treadmill: they were dressed in jeans, going slow, goofing around, stopping sporadically to swap machines with an adjacent buddy, and generally being a waste of space. I wish I was exaggerating this. I had to watch these guys fuck around for 15 minutes before they pressed "pause" and darted off to the weights area. It was unclear if they were returning to their machines because it was on PAUSE and they didn't wipe anything down. I respect a person's bubble at the gym, so I would never jump on a machine that still has stats on it in case they had to step away for a moment (to take a phone call, bathroom break, water break, etc.) so I waited a few more minutes to see if they were coming back. When I saw them chasing each other around in the weights area, I thought it safe to claim a machine and do some actual exercise.

At this point I had been on an elliptical for 20 minutes waiting for my turn on a treadmill when I noticed that there was a girl a row ahead of me on a treadmill HARDCORE STUDYING. It looked like a medical textbook. Let's get this straight: I respect med students, but if you're that crunched for time you need to learn how to prioritize. My gym is not your library, so either move to a stationary bike or GET THE FUCK OUT.

I have so much hate.

I was close enough behind this chick that I was able to see that she had already been on the treadmill for 46 minutes. There's a pretty soft rule at our gym about a 30 minute time limit on cardio equipment during peak hours, I'm not saying that she should have jumped off immediately at 30 minutes, but 46 is a gross abuse of other people's generosity. There were still people waiting to exercise and this girl is plugging away at 2 miles per hour, reading her textbook completely oblivious to the fact that this a fucking gym, not her personal studying-walking machine. Some of the other people started to leave so it wasn't long before things emptied out and the machine use became a non-issue, but it really bothered the shit out of me when I saw the same girl in the same spot reading the same book as I was leaving the gym. The total time on her stats screen: two hours. My entire time at the gym was 1:30, so I totally feel the need for a long workout session, but COME THE FUCK ON. Ridiculous.

So if you ever find yourself dawdling at the gym, remember: there is always someone like me planning all the different ways to gut you. Be considerate.

As politely as I can.

we'll find a way.

This has got to stop.

If you're really interested in reading the article, you can find it here.

I take issue with studies that purposely attempt to find problems with running shoes (and I mean running shoes of ANY kind) because if you're looking for things to go wrong, you will always find something. That's not news.

Here's the truth about running shoes: there are thousands (millions?) to choose from because there are billions of feet to cover and everyone is different. There are Five Fingers that even I don't like. Just as Nike is not the same as New Balance is not the same as Adidas, I promise someone somewhere will have a problem with at least one pair of shoes in their life.

My feet were not meant for regular cushioning. It's okay if your feet aren't meant for the minimalist style.

Just as long as you can exercise in comfort, that's what matters.

Now, I'm on my way out for a 9 mile run because it's March and the weather finally recognizes that.

i knew you would.

I'm sad this week.

There have been a lot of things going on personally (things I'd rather not discuss here) but it's worth noting that emotions have a profound effect on weight loss (it can be positive or negative, depending on your experience). I'm a stress eater, but I also like to manipulate my food choices to give off feelings of control so this battle is usually a difficult one for me. I either eat because I'm lonely, or I starve myself to prove a point. It's not good.

I woke up pretty early today (relative to my expectations) thinking I would get out of bed and take on the day. Instead, I got some news that sent me crumbling down into the depths of depression and I couldn't bring myself back from there. It took me an hour to convince myself to get out of bed, then an hour wasted in front of the computer because I couldn't be bothered to put pants on, then I went back to bed.

Everything is so much better under a pile of blankets.

I thought about taking a sick day at work but I knew better. I dressed, took the drive, and grumpily settled in for the night. I was kicking myself for not tending to my to-do list during the day like I should have, and then a light bulb went off in my head: the things on my to-do list could be accomplished while at work. OH I LOVE YOU, INTERNET.

The best thing about my job is that I have almost no supervision and the only rule is that I can do whatever I want as long as I get my work done. I have access to free wifi and a printer/scanner/fax machine, so that coupled with my personal laptop means I get serious work done around here.

And by that I mean I do this:

Story of my Mondays.

I was sad because of my cancelled trip to Las Vegas, I was sad because I didn't make time for the gym, I was sad because I quit in the middle of a Pilates workout, I was sad to be at work instead of in my bed at home. But if I had to be at work, it was going to be productive. I decided. On the agenda was preparing the documents I needed to file my taxes. I'm a business student, taken several accounting classes, and I filed my own taxes last year so I felt more than equipped to handle it again this year. Seriously, to my peers... at least once in your life you should file your taxes. It's not that hard, plus there's just something special about accepting this task as part of your initiation into adulthood. The one lesson that I learned from last year is that you should be prepared; have your W2s ready, 1098-T and E, receipts for your school and medical expenses (printed, separated, and tallied), and whatever other financial things you need to include on your taxes. Have all of this even before you start thinking of signing up with TurboTax (that's what I use). It's lengthy and time consuming, but the better aware you are of 1) where your money went last year and 2) how much of that is tax deductible, the better off you'll be.

I went into this process tonight thinking I was just going to collect my statements and then file my taxes officially on my day off this Friday, but I got so into it that I kept going... and going. Several hours later, I landed a massive refund and I'm feeling hella good about myself. The only problem now is that I completely neglected my actual work.

Oh shit.

So yeah. Money can't buy happiness, but scratching things off your to-do list can bring you a little closer toward good feelings. I did nothing with my day except whine, sit in front of a computer, and spend way too much time in bed, but I'm not going to let that get me down. I filed my taxes. It's not much, but it's something and right now I have nothing. I feel good.