collect your records and then change your number.

Shh... don't tell. I've been holding onto a secret for a few weeks now. Are you ready for it? Okay. My weight loss has stalled. Plateaued. Hit a wall. Whatever have you.

Believe me, I'm shocked as shit. I've been grappling with this minor problem for a few days now, wondering what the hell is wrong with my meds, my GI tract, my muscles, my body in general... just about anything to place the blame on, that would cause the scale to stubbornly sit at the same 2-3 pound reading. Some days I'm up one, other days I'm down two, all within a comfy range.

I guess I should be happy that I am proving, yet again, that I know how to maintain. But I have a serious fucking problem here: I need to lose. Maintenance is great and everything, and maybe I'll be bitching about the trials and tribulations of maintaining my goal weight once I reach it in six months a year or so from now, but at the present moment I need to lose weight like it's my fucking job. Even if it means I have to quit my real job.

I'm a tad bit angry because I've spent entirely too much time staring at the gray slate walls of the gym to be simply maintaining my weight. Please, I hope I'm not offending anyone. I'm THRILLED to have lost this much weight so far and it's wonderful getting to inhabit a smaller body, but I have serious health issues that dog my thoughts at all hours of the day. I NEED to get off the meds, I NEED to lose weight to get better, I NEED something to change.

I get it, I get it. If it's not working, then fix it. But I haven't the faintest idea as to what I'm doing wrong. I run every day, too much probably. I eat well. I do my best not to indulge. Yet the scale won't budge. WTF.

So I started to take a look back at my MapMyRun profile and my previous posts here and the problem was screaming at me loud and clear: I've gotten too comfortable. I describe my runs as "nice" and my gym workouts are "fantastic." Instead, they should read "horrible" and "makes me wanna kill myself" [not really though... suicide is bad]. And food? I'm still pretty restricted during the day, but at night it's anything goes. On Sunday I had steak and potatoes for dinner. On Monday I drank a beer because I felt like it. Last night, my remaining chunk of cookie dough took a big hit. Problems abound.

I should probably mention that last night we went to a new gym... well, it was new to me at least. It's the newest gym on campus (around 2 years old now, oops) and I went there for the first time ever last night. Boyfriend and his lifting partner spend their first half hour doing sets, and then the last half hour doing cardio, but I don't lift weights because I have the ridiculous idea that I'm a dainty flower (run with it) so I set my sights on being a cardio bunny. As I said goodbye to my gym friends, I was awestruck by the shiny new equipment and the ultra modern design of the place, a serious departure from the other gyms I usually exercise at. In my excitement I accidentally spent too much time on the treadmill. And then I spent too much time on the elliptical because I was distracted by an episode of Storage Wars that I've seen at least eight times already (Hester is a douche and Jarrod bought the shitty locker because it had a safe... big surprise).

When I came home I was feeling a bit off. I took my blood pressure (121/74), rested, contemplated drinking some water, but nothing helped. I realized what I needed was a gallon of coconut water but Amazon won't deliver my shipment until tomorrow so I had to make an emergency trip to the gas station for Gatorade. Last summer I was only taking Diamox and I tolerate that medication super well so I forgot to take into account that this summer I'm mixing Diamox AND Lasix AND I'm exercising in intense heat. It was like the perfect metabolic storm. After chugging half the bottle of Gatorade and waiting it out for twenty uncomfortable minutes, I was finally able to fall asleep.

When my alarm went off at 5:30, I would have sacrificed a goat for more sleep. Seriously. And then I would have made gyros. But that's not the point. I was beyond exhausted, I almost punched the wall when I bumped into it in my sleepy haze. I have less than 90 minutes left at work and I'm STILL exhausted, my body is STILL sore, I would STILL sacrifice a goat for a nap, and that's when I had my aha! moment. When I first started to lose weight, I knew I was doing it right when my body was beat (note: beat, NOT broken). Every day was a struggle because I was forcing myself to push the boundaries and my body took the hit. I was constantly sore and tired but it served as a constant reminder that I was working too hard to consider beer as an appetizer or cookie dough as dessert.

I've said it before and I feel like a jerk for having to remind myself of it now, but here it goes: exercise helps me to eat better, bottom line. Exercise is not an excuse to eat, so I must say au revoir to the I-burned-800-calories-so-I-will-absolutely-have-seconds mentality. It pains my soul because I like where I'm at currently when it comes to my lifestyle choices, but if I'm being honest my unhappiness about my health is more important.

So let's run this down, shall we? I need to re-evaluate my goals.

• I would like to weigh 220 by the time of my next neuro appointment (end of July).
• In order to accomplish this, I will need to exercise harder. Not more, just harder. Runs should suck. Pilates should suck. The elliptical ______ ____ (two words, 10 letters, rhymes with "should suck").
• In addition to this, I need to eat better. Mornings = so far, so good. Breakfast usually consists of a banana and a cup of vanilla yogurt (no, I will never consider switching to plain. I'll take the extra calories, thankyouverymuch). Lunch = a salad, always a salad (thankfully I LOVE LETTUCE... and spinach). The only "okay" snacks are fruit, and maybe the occasional sugar free 14 calorie popsicle. Dinner should be fiber-heavy, sparing on the meat, and light. LIGHT LIGHT LIGHT. I'm slipping back into the nasty habit of having heavy dinners which is a giant no-no.

If I do all of this, as long as I'm honest there's no reason I can't meet my goal. NO REASON. Huh... I feel really good about this. Yay for reality adjustments!