how did you know that i would play the part.

Let's count all the ways that today has sucked:

1. I set two alarms, one for 10:30 and one for 11:02am. I intentionally did this because I was exhausted and I wasn't scheduled to go into work until 3pm so I decided to let myself sleep in. But, I'm pretty much a marathon sleeper so waking up is a difficult process and I need a minimum of two alarms. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when my alarm went off at NOON THIRTY. The 11:02 alarm never went off, and the 10:30 one decided to be two hours late. I'm not sure if I need a new phone or a new alarm clock, but this was a pretty shitty way to start out the day.

2. All my running capris are dirty. So are my bike shorts. I had to wear 3.5" inseam shorts to the gym today. Actually, it wasn't that big of a deal because I keep a stick of Body Glide around for emergencies and the gym was empty. The only real problem in all my favorite gym clothes being dirty is that it means I have to do laundry... more on this in point #7.

3. The gym was empty. I have anxiety. This is a bad combo. When I first drove into the parking lot, I thought "Oh shit, it's closed." I rushed to the door to see if it was open and in the process I forgot to feed the meter. The gym was NOT closed, so there's that, but I got a parking ticket. Fuck my life.

4. There were three bored employees and me in this giant gym with a serious echo. I started out on the treadmill and every sound I made was amplified. I swear, you could even hear the slap slap of my bare legs rubbing up against each other. The universe must have an EPIC sense of humor to make TODAY the day that the gym is empty AND I don't have any running capris.

5. I was feeling REALLY good on the treadmill despite the extreme stiffness from last night and this morning's equally rough soreness, so I decided to take my run to a full 30 minutes (I usually stop at 2 miles). Literally a minute after I made that decision, my treadmill suddenly stopped and the screen read "Error 29." I don't know WTF Error 29 means, but it wouldn't let me keep going no matter which buttons I pressed. I took that as a sign that I wasn't meant to run anymore.

6. No bother, I moved on to my favorite elliptical machine. 5 excruciating minutes of screeching coming from the machine's gears convinced me that I should find another machine. The next one did it too. I hate losing the stats that show up on the screen so I said fuck it and kept going on the second machine, noise and all. I think the gym employees hated me, but I just turned up the volume on my iPod and looked the other way. Eventually the screeching stopped and I found my rhythm, only to realize that all this machine drama ate 20 minutes of time and I was going to be late for work.

7. I rushed home to shower with barely enough time to tend to my shit before work. While taking the quickest shower ever (seriously, I didn't even wash my hair), I remembered that a) I have to do laundry today and b) I haven't watered my plants in two days. So I had to spend time I didn't have going around my apartment collecting all the dirty laundry and out on the balcony watering my garden. Except my watering can is MIA and the plastic pitcher I've been using in its place was blown off the balcony at some point in the last 24 hours. Once I found a replacement pitcher, I noticed that the terrible winds we've been having snapped my tomato plant in half and did some serious damage to one of my bell pepper plants. And I think my petunias are dying. Fuck my life.

8. I showed up to work 7 minutes late, sweating buckets on top of leftover wetness from my shower, and my fucking gas tank is empty. Oh, and my boss owes me $65. And my coworker is threatening to ruin my Memorial Weekend plans by not showing up. Fuck this, fuck today, fuck everything.

It feels that way sometimes, Buzz. It really does.

Instead of letting my bad mood ruin what otherwise could be a very good day, let's count all the ways that today has NOT sucked:

1. My coconut water subscription from Amazon came today! It seems weird to say that I have a subscription to a food item, but that's just the wonder of technology I guess. PS - coconut water should always be had cold. Otherwise, eew.

2. My most recent order from Old Navy should have been delivered as well (but I can't confirm that until I get home). Yay new shorts and tanks! Yay for looking hot this summer!

3. Despite neglecting my garden for two days, everything is still alive. Minus my broken tomato plant, which may or may not be dead. I could possibly still salvage that, and worse case scenario I'll just buy a new one. And I'll need a new watering can. But who am I kidding, I love shopping so this is just an opportunity to buy new stuff.

4. I may have possibly broken the treadmill, but I got a great workout today. And that Body Glide stuff really works! It still hasn't rubbed off even after the gym and a shower. I'm wearing a dress at work and I'm not focused on the dangers of starting a crotch fire because my new BFF Body Glide wouldn't let that happen to me. Nope, not today.

5. I had a FANTASTIC salad for dinner. It was a shit ton of fresh spinach (15 calories), 1 large beefsteak tomato (45 calories) roughly diced, half an avocado (200 calories) cubed, a squirt of lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste, and half of a small leftover chicken bratwurst (around 75 calories) cut into medallions. It turns out the bratwurst was unnecessary in this meal but I could use some protein so I went with it. Seriously though, oh em gee it was an incredible salad.

6. There are tons of floor-to-ceiling windows where I work which means plenty of reflective surfaces in which to stare at myself. As I was walking into the building, I caught a glimpse of my legs in the glass and I could have sworn they were somebody else's legs. THOSE ARE NOT MY LEGS. I may not have lost any weight recently, BUT HOT DAMN I LOOK GOOD.

PS - I Googled "fuck my life" and a picture of Alessandra Ambrosio came up. Touché, Google.