feet don't fail me now.

After the scale gods gifted me with my 10% present, I went to the gym to celebrate. I purposely use the word "celebrate" because it was a celebration. And by that I mean I wore sequins. A year ago I would have rewarded myself with a milkshake, but today I'm better than that. Rewards these days hang in my closet. True story.

I did a quarter mile warm-up on the treadmill, then ran steady for a mile (15:22!), followed by a 5 minute cool down. Then, two miles on the elliptical at level 4 (22:47) plus three minutes spinning backwards for a cool down. As I was walking through the hallway, I overheard two of my favorite housekeepers talking about me. No worries, it was all good. It was in Spanish, but from what I could gather from my super extensive vocabulary, the one lady said to the other "She's lost weight, you can tell."

Between the 10%, the sequins, and that comment, I'm surprised my feet made contact with the floor at all. WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE.





I am so... confused?

I've been waiting for my heart to stop racing for the last two hours but alas it has failed and I am still slightly freaking out.

Two months ago I met with my ophthalmologist who said I was making remarkable progress, but she did note that I had minor swelling in one eye which was to be expected since that was the eye that presented with the more severe swelling to begin with.

Today, I was totally expecting to have no swelling in either eyes.

Nope, Grade 1 papilledema in the right eye. This bothered Dr Stern and she increased my dose of Diamox to 1500mg a day (her explanation was that she wanted to see the swelling gone entirely before we could discuss coming off the Diamox).

This makes me super duper sad, because three months and thirty pounds later I'm still having problems. I'm not too upset about my dose being increased because I take great pride in being an exceptional patient. Doc said I'm responding well to treatment and I have an unusually high tolerance for Diamox and for that reason she felt comfortable putting me at a higher dose. For other people, this would be bad news. But for me, I was beaming from being pointed out for my exceptionalness.

Yes, I just made up my own word.

So I have a brand new 'scrip for 750mg of Diamox twice daily, I had a basic metabolic blood panel taken today and I'm scheduled for another in two weeks to make sure my kidneys aren't dying a slow death. Overall, good news.

While I conveniently had a neurologist sitting in front of me I mentioned a minor problem I've had with my feet as long as I could remember: I can't feel temperature in my feet, there's a very distinct line around my ankle where my temperature sensation starts. It's never bothered me, in fact I always thought it to be funny -- one of those random things I mention when I first meet people as a conversation starter. It's a great conversation starter. This problem bothered my chiropractor and he insisted I see a neurologist but at the time I thought it was a stupid thing to seek out a specialist for; now that I have a specialist, why not mention it? Doc asked me to slip off my shoes (true story: regardless of the time of year, you will ALWAYS catch me in slip on shoes or flip flops) and she poked and prodded and asked me a few questions. Her initial diagnosis was hereditary neuropathy, and based on my description of my foot lifestyle it's not inherently a problem but she did stress the importance of undergoing further tests if I planned on having children.

Firstly, I don't like the topic of children. Secondly, more tests?! Really?!

I'm scheduled for an electromyography (EMG) test next Friday morning and perhaps genetic testing after that (no joke). The thought of spending more time with my neurologist excites me because I like her and she's awesome, having to sit through an EMG sounds like fun and I can't wait to blog about it, but going through all of this for the sake of the kids I haven't even committed to having yet... kinda bothers me. I really don't care much for children.

OH OH OH! The best part:

Doc says to me, "So how are you doing with your weight?" and I happily responded "I'VE LOST THIRTY POUNDS" (actually, it was more like I screamed at her). She had such a positive reaction that I thought my heart was going to burst! She gave me her sincerest congratulations and told me that losing weight was the best thing I could have done for myself, and it almost made me cry to realize that she gets it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am eternally grateful for everyone at Mercy for not once mentioning my weight during the course of my treatment. I have a learned aversion to doctors because every time I've stepped into an office I get comments like "that would get better if you lost some weight." I've even heard that from a dentist. A dentist. Okay, great. Thanks, jackass. But in the mean time, can you be a professional and help me? Kthnx.

Back to my story... it's hard being treated by my neurologist in particular because she's attractive and obviously very smart and she's this tiny little thing... not to mention, she saw me in my panties on my fattest day ever. In real life, girls like that aren't my friends for a reason. But she's my doctor and she's the best, so naturally I HAVE TO have her. But since we broke through the very awkward barrier regarding weight early on, she's already seen me at my worst so now I get to show her my BEST. I had no shame sharing my weight with her today (I would have happily jumped on a scale, too, if she had asked) but I was absolutely shocked at the lack of "Good for you"s and "Way to go"s (I find both to be horribly condescending in almost any context). Nope, nope. She just had to knock me to the floor with her reaction.

The problem with losing weight is that people around you start commenting. Things like "Wow you look SO much better" suggest that I looked horrible before and don't do much for my self esteem. Even the tamer "Wow you look great" is still highly suggestive because looks are relative, so if I look great now what did I look like before? I ignore most of the comments these days because I'm pretty solid in the way I feel about myself, it's just best if I keep other people from entering my thoughts. But seriously, "That's the best thing you could have done for yourself" is a new one, even I hadn't thought about it that way.

I'm doing this because it's the best thing I could do for myself.

It fits in perfectly with all the other mantras I chant to myself every day. I trust my doctors with the medicine, I trust myself with this. Love.