i've got my mind set on you.

Some housekeeping:

My new heart rate monitor works with the machines I use! I was super seriously excited about getting to run with my fancy new pink watch (true story: I don't wear or even OWN a watch) but about a minute in I could already tell that the sweat around my wrist was going to cause issues with the rubber wrist strap. Good news though, the chest strap alone is compatible with my favorite equipment WHICH IS FUCKIN AMAZING. It's a little jumpy on the treadmill (probably because my boobs are knocking it out of place) but it was super seriously amazing having constant feedback without having to stop to grip the heart rate monitors.

Fun fact of the day: my heart rate spikes when I take a drink of water.

My new compression pants = AH-MAY-ZING. Hot damn, though... they really compress. I don't know what the hell I was thinking taking them straight to the gym with tags on because my abnormally large ass made it impossible for me to run without flashing crack after a minute or two. Part of the problem was that I hadn't stretched them to the shape of my bum yet, but mostly it was due to the fact that I was wearing silk panties in a size too big so everrrrrything downstairs was slipping, if you catch my drift. But straight up, my legs have never felt better. I took yesterday's run as a gift from baby Jesus and I enjoyed all fourteen minutes and forty seconds of it.

True fact: It feels fucking incredible being able to say that my clothes are too big.

The fridge lately has been shades of empty, not quite as desperate of a situation as I've experienced before but definitely a sad, sad state. After a wonderful dinner date with my valentine, we went grocery shopping for the "essentials." And by that I mean I bought out the entire produce section. It's incredible how much $57 buys you when the things in your cart are giant vats of various lettuce, ten pounds of apples, and more grape tomatoes than any one person really needs. My indulgences these days are flavored yogurt and balsamic vinaigrette. AND AVOCADOS. I've been working my way through One Twenty Five from the beginning, I'm in early 2010 right now and Liz seems to be stuck on spinach salads with tuna and avocado. I can't exactly get behind this tuna movement, but I can do avocado. I'm learning to embrace the fact that I'm doing this on my own, which is not to say that boyfriend isn't supporting me. He is, very much so; in fact, I would say beyond any doubt that he is my biggest cheerleader. However, for reasons that are personal to him, he's just not able/willing/ready to join me on this path. And that's perfectly okay! I have to admit that I love knowing that my things in the fridge and pantry will go untouched -- I will never have to worry about him stealing my bran flakes or vanilla yogurt or taking a spoon to the half avocado I left behind this morning. I find a kind of solace in knowing that there are foods in our place that are just for me, and others that are just for him.

True fact: Snack Packs last WAY longer in storage than any food has any business being stored for that long.

I'm tired all the time. And apparently I'm cranky all the time, too. I don't mean to be, but this lifestyle really wears on a person. The weight loss process, in simple terms, is essentially starving the body. Whether or not I'm actually hungry doesn't seem to be the problem, it's a matter of being overworked and exhausted. The many changes in my medication doses over the last couple of weeks hasn't helped either. Boyfriend has expressed concern that I've become too wrapped up in my physical appearance, but these days it seems like that's all I have to cling to. Being this constant weird mix of tired-hungry-cranky-sore can be pretty defeating at times so if I spend extra time in the mirror noticing that my thighs are slimmer and my panties are barely hanging on to my hips... just do me a favor and fuck off.


True story: if it was easy, then everybody would be doing it.